Flashback-
Holding her through the night
Still smell her skin, still feel her weight
I remember how i couldn't wait till the sun rose
Before i took her out of her bassinet and deeply breathed her in
Ever knowing these would be the only breaths i would be given
Sitting here, it hits me with such a strong force,
Her shape and her scent and her weight against my breast
As i waited for the sun to peek over the horizon, clinging tightly to her,
Knowing the shadows of light taunted me with their time ticking ways...
Whispering the end was coming soon, i would not be able to hold her forever...
And even now, my heart breaks and flows over the throne of grace thinking of it...
Each passing moment, another dream floated away
Till i couldn't even muster their taste within my mind
No pain has ever been deeper, and even here i know so many others whose pain is deeper still
It pushes me to see how fleeting it may have felt to Mary as she nursed Jesus his very first time
How aware and how emotional the moment must have been,
Knowing he was destined to be taken from her,
Destined to be more than she could contain within the family life she had dreamed would be...
How do you prepare for that?
I think its in little pockets of mercy, moment by moment,
Stumbling upon life giving whispers that almost feel like answers in the quiet places of your mind...
Merry Christmas Mercy baby, mommy loves you...
Today was painful and beautiful with you away from me and close to Jesus...
I find i am more grateful than ever before now
That Mary didn't take her child and flee into the wilderness
Running from the Lord and from his destiny...
She was so wise... and so heartrendingly true, in her love for her firstborn son
She sought to teach those who would follow her in the call to carry life, this is unconditional love
Lord, teach me in this quiet pain, how to love unconditionally...
Let it be my gain... to learn to love like you do
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Monday, December 17, 2012
December 16th
What does 90 minutes look like?
I know my tendency is to pull and stretch it there in my mind
in order to make up a life long enough
that someone else finds it worth celebrating and mourning
as long as i am destined to...
But this is the joy and the pain of being a mommy to a little girl who lives in another world from me
Truer, deeper than i believed it to be
This heart my sorrow draws out of me
The ache, the pain that whispers soft like you
Pulling me close to comforts breast, beating steady as you do
Translate a language i've always longed to know
Angelic utterings seep into my bones, calling them to grow
Return vision to the blind within my eyes and gift sight where there is none
Take secrets i whisper only in your keeper ear
So they cascade down into your ribs and lungs, fruitful as a song
I know my tendency is to pull and stretch it there in my mind
in order to make up a life long enough
that someone else finds it worth celebrating and mourning
as long as i am destined to...
But this is the joy and the pain of being a mommy to a little girl who lives in another world from me
Truer, deeper than i believed it to be
This heart my sorrow draws out of me
The ache, the pain that whispers soft like you
Pulling me close to comforts breast, beating steady as you do
Translate a language i've always longed to know
Angelic utterings seep into my bones, calling them to grow
Return vision to the blind within my eyes and gift sight where there is none
Take secrets i whisper only in your keeper ear
So they cascade down into your ribs and lungs, fruitful as a song
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
December 9th- on a drive with my family
Rain smear across my face
Force me to embrace this empty space
I've discovered within my womb
Help me deny the lie that it is only a tomb
Like trees so old you aren't sure leaves will return
So it is within my soul, that bit of heart that dares to yearn
For more to fill me than I've allowed before
To recall how sweet it is to be so empty, leaving space for him to restore
I will dare to slide beneath the surface of an ocean of choices you now set before me
My wet skin burns in the realization that i was the one who let freedom just be a dream
I use my skin to be what confines all that could escape, slipping past the crevice of my eyes
Here in the quiet of me, here is where you hear my heart cry
Savor my tears that do not taste bitter, ones that sing sweet like wide open sky
Slow is how you steal upon me, soft and kind arms wrap me up
Waiting for the wet i ever am to fall upon your skin
Such soft secrets, whisperings your eternal shape begs me to find
If this is the pain that proves true a way i could not see
I open wide my mouth, in a tearful yes, that you would show me
Come for me tonight love,
You will find my window open and my heart awake within my spirits dream
While excitement inside dares me to find my scream
Your finger interrupts your lips, echoing words we have yet to say
A few short hours, that's all i desire, safe in the secret space of you
I climb down the brick wall with you,
Trusting i will be returned before the morning ground begins to dew
Force me to embrace this empty space
I've discovered within my womb
Help me deny the lie that it is only a tomb
Like trees so old you aren't sure leaves will return
So it is within my soul, that bit of heart that dares to yearn
For more to fill me than I've allowed before
To recall how sweet it is to be so empty, leaving space for him to restore
I will dare to slide beneath the surface of an ocean of choices you now set before me
My wet skin burns in the realization that i was the one who let freedom just be a dream
I use my skin to be what confines all that could escape, slipping past the crevice of my eyes
Here in the quiet of me, here is where you hear my heart cry
Savor my tears that do not taste bitter, ones that sing sweet like wide open sky
Slow is how you steal upon me, soft and kind arms wrap me up
Waiting for the wet i ever am to fall upon your skin
Such soft secrets, whisperings your eternal shape begs me to find
If this is the pain that proves true a way i could not see
I open wide my mouth, in a tearful yes, that you would show me
Come for me tonight love,
You will find my window open and my heart awake within my spirits dream
While excitement inside dares me to find my scream
Your finger interrupts your lips, echoing words we have yet to say
A few short hours, that's all i desire, safe in the secret space of you
I climb down the brick wall with you,
Trusting i will be returned before the morning ground begins to dew
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
October 18th
I panic inside thinking of all I wanted to do, but it is just par for the course in this moment..
I cannot push away my grief, i must embrace it while it is here...
This is my greatest pain, and someday it will be my greatest gain
I hate that micah is going back to work today
it was hard enough when he was a room away yesterday.
The first part after we lose a baby is always the hardest
It is like we use each other as glue to keep our hearts inside of our chests
Being seperated for so many hours feels horrible the first week or so
I want to skip this part so badly but i know if i skip any part i may get bitter.
I will not live as a bitter woman.
I want to stay as soft as i can or this accomplishes nothing.
My dear friend, Marie Monville has been such a merciful love to me in this season...
I love how she expressed what it feels like to lose a baby as she has known this pain herself-
"The body recovers long before the heart does"
Aridai is so tender, when he sees me with tears he just looks at me sadly and touches my face and buries his head in my chest.
He just says "I know mommy, you miss mercy"
I am undone, i am so heavy on the inside i think i might fall thru the floor sometimes
Everything is a reminder
Last night i thought i felt her move, and then i remembered she is gone.
Her pictures help my heart so much, she is always mine...
My baby is dead, it keeps ringing, taunting my ears
Aurora looks at me and all i see is mercy bigger...
What she will never be on earth, she can only become in heaven
I fantasized about my two little girls so much, this loss is so much more than i thought it could be.
We prepared for her to be born sooner than expected, we did not prepare ourselves for her death
This morning, aurora woke me up and asked me if there is a new baby in my belly yet...
Her questions feel like icicles and her eyes and hugs feel like fire, and yet she is a soft blanket, wrapping round my heart, protecting me from hard cold settling inside of my soul...
I quickly said "no babydoll, there is not" and went into the bathroom, closing the door behind me, and sobbed quietly.
Aurora followed me into the bathroom and said "Mommy, you always say when someone is sad they need to be held, let me hold you mommy"
So i let my little girl hold me close and love me like only a 4 year old can... without reserve...
Thank you Lord for the gift of these children you've lent to me here...
I cannot push away my grief, i must embrace it while it is here...
This is my greatest pain, and someday it will be my greatest gain
I hate that micah is going back to work today
it was hard enough when he was a room away yesterday.
The first part after we lose a baby is always the hardest
It is like we use each other as glue to keep our hearts inside of our chests
Being seperated for so many hours feels horrible the first week or so
I want to skip this part so badly but i know if i skip any part i may get bitter.
I will not live as a bitter woman.
I want to stay as soft as i can or this accomplishes nothing.
My dear friend, Marie Monville has been such a merciful love to me in this season...
I love how she expressed what it feels like to lose a baby as she has known this pain herself-
"The body recovers long before the heart does"
Aridai is so tender, when he sees me with tears he just looks at me sadly and touches my face and buries his head in my chest.
He just says "I know mommy, you miss mercy"
I am undone, i am so heavy on the inside i think i might fall thru the floor sometimes
Everything is a reminder
Last night i thought i felt her move, and then i remembered she is gone.
Her pictures help my heart so much, she is always mine...
My baby is dead, it keeps ringing, taunting my ears
Aurora looks at me and all i see is mercy bigger...
What she will never be on earth, she can only become in heaven
I fantasized about my two little girls so much, this loss is so much more than i thought it could be.
We prepared for her to be born sooner than expected, we did not prepare ourselves for her death
This morning, aurora woke me up and asked me if there is a new baby in my belly yet...
Her questions feel like icicles and her eyes and hugs feel like fire, and yet she is a soft blanket, wrapping round my heart, protecting me from hard cold settling inside of my soul...
I quickly said "no babydoll, there is not" and went into the bathroom, closing the door behind me, and sobbed quietly.
Aurora followed me into the bathroom and said "Mommy, you always say when someone is sad they need to be held, let me hold you mommy"
So i let my little girl hold me close and love me like only a 4 year old can... without reserve...
Thank you Lord for the gift of these children you've lent to me here...
November 14th
When
i look ahead and it looks like the road is gone and the path washed away it
forces me to lift my eye and look to you...
Maybe
my heart can only show its face, full and beautiful after time has proven it
true...
Psalm
116:1-17 (Paraphrased)
I
love You because you hear my voice and all my achings.
You
bent down close so my heart tickled your ear
just
because you wanted me to call out for you s long as i live
death
wrapped itself around me, tighter and terrorizing
I
found grief and sorrow
But
then i screamed your name "Lord I am begging you, save my life!"
Gracious
is your way, righteous is your voice in my thoughts
I
always knew you were merciful
You
kept me close, this frail simple self
I
was low, living low with death as my companion and you saved me...
Come
back to rest oh soul of mine
He
has given beyond what you expected
Jesus,
you took my soul and rescued me from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from
stumbling
I
will walk with you in the land of the living
I
believed myself when i said "I am greatly afflicted" I said in my
alarm "All men are liars"
So
what now should i surrender to the Lord for all His benefits toward me?
I
will lift up this bittersweet cup of salvation and call upon the name of the
Lord
I
will pay my vows only to Him
Oh
that it would be so in the presence of all His people
Precious
in the sight of the lord
Is
the death of his children
Even
my precious little mercy girl
Oh
Jesus surely I am yours, always eager to serve you
I
am your servant, the daughter of your handmaiden
You
tore off my chains, what else can my heart do but throw all it is at your feet?
I
will give you a sacrifice of thanks
I
will call your name and draw it close to my bones
Monday, December 3, 2012
December 3rd 2012- Monday morning is here...
Here I greet the morning wishing it was the morning that didn’t wake me with the sorrow that losing a baby brings deep down to your heart, wishing I could wake up and not remember…
But this is what carrying love feels like, how it longs to be poured where the love is no longer present…
So instead I pour it excessively over my other loves…
The tears fill up inside of my skin and I hope it doesn’t spill out onto the surface today, there are times that grief is better known alone…
It is time to stir and add all that must be added to complete it…
I take the time to lovingly make the “tear soup” as we have come to affectionately call it…
But this is what carrying love feels like, how it longs to be poured where the love is no longer present…
So instead I pour it excessively over my other loves…
The tears fill up inside of my skin and I hope it doesn’t spill out onto the surface today, there are times that grief is better known alone…
It is time to stir and add all that must be added to complete it…
I take the time to lovingly make the “tear soup” as we have come to affectionately call it…
Lamentations 2:18-19 "Their heart cried out to the Lord, O wall of the daughter of zion, let your tears run down like a river day and night, give yourself no relief, let your eyes have no rest. Arise, cry aloud in the night, at the beginning of the night watches. Pour out your heart like water in the presence of the Lord. Lift up your hands to Him for the life of your little ones."
Psalm 126:4-6 "RESTORE OUR FORTUNES, O Lord,
like streams in the Negev. Those who sow in tears will reap with SONGS
OF JOY. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow will return with
SONGS OF JOY, carrying sheaves with him."
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