December 25 2012- Christmas without mercy...

Flashback-

Holding her through the night

Still smell her skin, still feel her weight

I remember how i couldn't wait till the sun rose

Before i took her out of her bassinet and deeply breathed her in

Ever knowing these would be the only breaths i would be given

Sitting here, it hits me with such a strong force,

Her shape and her scent and her weight against my breast

As i waited for the sun to peek over the horizon, clinging tightly to her,

Knowing the shadows of light taunted me with their time ticking ways...

Whispering the end was coming soon, i would not be able to hold her forever...

And even now, my heart breaks and flows over the throne of grace thinking of it...

Each passing moment, another dream floated away

Till i couldn't even muster their taste within my mind

No pain has ever been deeper, and even here i know so many others whose pain is deeper still

It pushes me to see how fleeting it may have felt to Mary as she nursed Jesus his very first time

How aware and how emotional the moment must have been,

Knowing he was destined to be taken from her,

Destined to be more than she could contain within the family life she had dreamed would be...

How do you prepare for that?

I think its in little pockets of mercy, moment by moment,

Stumbling upon life giving whispers that almost feel like answers in the quiet places of your mind...

Merry Christmas Mercy baby, mommy loves you...

Today was painful and beautiful with you away from me and close to Jesus...

I find i am more grateful than ever before now

That Mary didn't take her child and flee into the wilderness

Running from the Lord and from his destiny...

She was so wise... and so heartrendingly true, in her love for her firstborn son

She sought to teach those who would follow her in the call to carry life, this is unconditional love

Lord, teach me in this quiet pain, how to love unconditionally...

Let it be my gain... to learn to love like you do