waterfalls i live beneath...

I see the smiling glasses transfigured eyes of my 1^st grade sweet son

I feel his still so soft hand slide into mine as I walk him home

Tenderly caressing his earlobe as I always have

Love sheltering us both from the embarrassment of someone seeing 

And thinking he is too old for affection

All I can think is he could have been a loss, tragic and true

But instead he was a face crowded by a pacifier

Peacefully sipping on dreams, nursing at a breast long waiting to be life to a child

I hear the clip clop of pink plastic sleeping beauty heels

On the small daughter with the side ponytail

 And tendrils dripping down her cheeks

In the dress she wore to look like mommy

On the walk to get her brother

All I can think is she could have been a miscarriage; silent and dark

But instead she was a tiny cry bursting with breath

Smelling sweet to her daddy’s senses pressing his face into her neck

Drinking her in like cool sweet clean water in a long dry desert day

Do I know faith and its fruits?

Shall I accept the good and not the bad?

Is a baby that lives the fulfillment of my faith?

Or is it found in the rest I find

When I throw my hands up in surrender

And yield to who You are and who I am not?

Here I sit crumpled up in sobs undone on the kitchen floor beneath my skin

Sprawled under a waterfall of gratefulness

To micah on our 8 year and 4 month anniversary... I love you just because...

To my Micah- 

I see a bed of tumbled up sheets, every time I see the white inside your eyes,

And I savor the deep blue that lives there always carrying surprise

When your arm reaches out

And I’m almost not ready for how beautifully close it comes

There in the quiet, in the sacred

I put my heart up for your ransom

Husband you tickle my senses, persuading me of loves truth, giving me all

Oh husband, you empty my defenses, crush my apathy against a back alley wall

When the words we said taste stale and sharp and dead

After a heated moment that wanted our mouths pushed against each others instead

There I see it burning like the fire the little girl dreamed

Before you made her a woman, and taught her the joy of reality

Every time I see that lazy smile creep across your lips

Laughter threatening to spill out of your lungs

I close my eyes and imagine eternity filled with joy

I taste deep red wine on the very tip of my tongue

Wine that tastes like communion, things that make me remember

This covenant would not, could not be

If Jesus had not taught us how to love, how to see

By dying first, choosing first, loving first before we knew how

Jesus, teach me to covenant myself to my husband like eternity

In the here and the now

July 2013

in the small hours is where the moments linger 

that i forget how to be as brave as the day filled hours before

it's here i remember how deeply my heart clings 

to the Hero that you are to me

in the sun glinting off my armor it's easy to feel safe and protected

but in the dark;  

blindness reminds me of pictures that only come in shadows

memories that only haunt in silence

recalling promises i made to myself and to her

to do all i could to keep her safe 

to trust with all i can 

in the one who made the armor in the first place

but here i lay in the black, 

surrounded by utter empty promises my naivety could not keep

a cry rises in my throat

spreading like pins and needles 

to all the skin that i am encompassed by

there are no words can properly contain griefs cry

no looks that express her depraving sorrow

sometimes it is in my skin alone

i allow myself to feel the ache and the tremble 

the shaking raw that peels back 

exposing griefs face in ways paint has no power over her 

like a waterfall these words tumble out of my throat 

out into the heavy humid air

making space for air to breathe back into me

life sucked deep a tiny gasp at a time

the sun will come soon

mercy will find me tomorrow

tonight i cry and breathe and soak in the water of my soul

reveling in the pleasure that is living fully 

not letting any moments pass me by

 even daring to kiss this pain filled one

here i find i dive deeper

here i live truer than i ever knew before 

March 1st, 2013

I am stuck in a moment, and it is in a room; empty within my heart

The door beckons me to enter as i walk past it most days

But today i say yes to the invitation

I slowly slide the door across the soft carpet carefully placed beneath my feet

quietly, carefully, such as the door to a nursery should be opened

The tears slide down the skin of my inner heart

They leak out of the windows i open to let the release bring light to my dark

I stand alone

Watching my daughter

Caressing her cheek

Squeezing her tight to my breast

Kissing her tiny face one last time before they wheel her slowly, screamingly, silently

Away from my burning to love arms

Away from my dying to leak life breasts

Away from the warmth of a mother that cries to be needed

I should have known

There will never be enough tears sown in the month of march

So i will walk thru the month

Day after day

Wet cheeks summoning me

Lovingly visit the sorrow inside

Recapture the inner secrets of griefs lovely face

And then i stand up and walk out of this room, and out into the soft sun of spring

The warmth gently caresses my face and lingers close to my heart

I am loved

It is a kinder gentler love than i could have known had i never known the hard cruel pain of sorrow

It is here i take a deep breath

And i feel most alive, living my life like eternity is where i live and heaven is coming down to earth

Here i am free to run across an open field screaming- "For the king! For His kingdom!"

Selah

February 1 2013

Mommy misses you deeply today baby girl, your scent that would have been so sweet, your hair that would be growing already... 

I look achingly to the basement stairs thinking  how i long to run down and grab the sling and put you inside and take you to market with aurora and i...  

I keep thinking how many kisses would be yours by now had you stayed... Too many to count, your siblings love kisses.. they woud have kissed you every moment they could.. I miss your soft cheeks today baby... 

And as a tear slides down my cheek, i choose to gently wipe it and trust it falls into a jar he carries within him always... And i grab my market bag and go..  

My little aurora hadeshalyne when she was just a week old... 

Oh she is joy to me!
 

January 11 2013

My sweet little Mercy,

yesterday was one of those days i had beyond hoped you would make it to, and one of my friends had a baby girl... 

The air that is knocked out of me this morning is deep deep pain i cannot put into words, even groaning doesn't seem enough for it... 

So silence has been a friend today.  

I am so beyond happy for her, and see the glory of God in giving life to such a precious little one!   

But in that same breath i feel the loss of you accentuated in her arrival... 

Mommy would be almost 32 weeks now and you would be developed enough to try and keep your heart beating and your lungs breathing... 

But it is here in this choice i find i am comforted in knowing my friend has been blessed by the same Jesus who blesses me and who spared my life and who holds you close even now... 

 I look out over the horizon and at the moment it is like a wide open sea before me

These dreams i keep attempting to release, and just as i think i may have said goodbye to the last one, a new one confronts the tendrils of my heart...

I sometimes hate that I feel this deeply, and that I grieve this way, I almost am ashamed sometimes… 

But it isn't constant anymore and it is in the waves i have the opportunity to embrace all you were to me and rejoice that i have the privilege of grieving and enjoying what your short life was to me and to your siblings and your daddy... 

Today i pray these verses over my life and love you with every breath i breathe today... 

Genesis 49:26
    

“The God of thy father shall be thy helper, and the Almighty shall bless thee with the blessings of  heaven above, with the blessings of the deep that lieth beneath, with the blessings of the breasts and of the womb.”

Exodus 23:26

“NONE shall miscarry or be barren in your land, I will fulfill the number of your days”

December 25 2012- Christmas without mercy...

Flashback-

Holding her through the night

Still smell her skin, still feel her weight

I remember how i couldn't wait till the sun rose

Before i took her out of her bassinet and deeply breathed her in

Ever knowing these would be the only breaths i would be given

Sitting here, it hits me with such a strong force,

Her shape and her scent and her weight against my breast

As i waited for the sun to peek over the horizon, clinging tightly to her,

Knowing the shadows of light taunted me with their time ticking ways...

Whispering the end was coming soon, i would not be able to hold her forever...

And even now, my heart breaks and flows over the throne of grace thinking of it...

Each passing moment, another dream floated away

Till i couldn't even muster their taste within my mind

No pain has ever been deeper, and even here i know so many others whose pain is deeper still

It pushes me to see how fleeting it may have felt to Mary as she nursed Jesus his very first time

How aware and how emotional the moment must have been,

Knowing he was destined to be taken from her,

Destined to be more than she could contain within the family life she had dreamed would be...

How do you prepare for that?

I think its in little pockets of mercy, moment by moment,

Stumbling upon life giving whispers that almost feel like answers in the quiet places of your mind...

Merry Christmas Mercy baby, mommy loves you...

Today was painful and beautiful with you away from me and close to Jesus...

I find i am more grateful than ever before now

That Mary didn't take her child and flee into the wilderness

Running from the Lord and from his destiny...

She was so wise... and so heartrendingly true, in her love for her firstborn son

She sought to teach those who would follow her in the call to carry life, this is unconditional love

Lord, teach me in this quiet pain, how to love unconditionally...

Let it be my gain... to learn to love like you do