Flashback-
Holding her through the night
Still smell her skin, still feel her weight
I remember how i couldn't wait till the sun rose
Before i took her out of her bassinet and deeply breathed her in
Ever knowing these would be the only breaths i would be given
Sitting here, it hits me with such a strong force,
Her shape and her scent and her weight against my breast
As i waited for the sun to peek over the horizon, clinging tightly to her,
Knowing the shadows of light taunted me with their time ticking ways...
Whispering the end was coming soon, i would not be able to hold her forever...
And even now, my heart breaks and flows over the throne of grace thinking of it...
Each passing moment, another dream floated away
Till i couldn't even muster their taste within my mind
No pain has ever been deeper, and even here i know so many others whose pain is deeper still
It pushes me to see how fleeting it may have felt to Mary as she nursed Jesus his very first time
How aware and how emotional the moment must have been,
Knowing he was destined to be taken from her,
Destined to be more than she could contain within the family life she had dreamed would be...
How do you prepare for that?
I think its in little pockets of mercy, moment by moment,
Stumbling upon life giving whispers that almost feel like answers in the quiet places of your mind...
Merry Christmas Mercy baby, mommy loves you...
Today was painful and beautiful with you away from me and close to Jesus...
I find i am more grateful than ever before now
That Mary didn't take her child and flee into the wilderness
Running from the Lord and from his destiny...
She was so wise... and so heartrendingly true, in her love for her firstborn son
She sought to teach those who would follow her in the call to carry life, this is unconditional love
Lord, teach me in this quiet pain, how to love unconditionally...
Let it be my gain... to learn to love like you do
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Monday, December 17, 2012
December 16th
What does 90 minutes look like?
I know my tendency is to pull and stretch it there in my mind
in order to make up a life long enough
that someone else finds it worth celebrating and mourning
as long as i am destined to...
But this is the joy and the pain of being a mommy to a little girl who lives in another world from me
Truer, deeper than i believed it to be
This heart my sorrow draws out of me
The ache, the pain that whispers soft like you
Pulling me close to comforts breast, beating steady as you do
Translate a language i've always longed to know
Angelic utterings seep into my bones, calling them to grow
Return vision to the blind within my eyes and gift sight where there is none
Take secrets i whisper only in your keeper ear
So they cascade down into your ribs and lungs, fruitful as a song
I know my tendency is to pull and stretch it there in my mind
in order to make up a life long enough
that someone else finds it worth celebrating and mourning
as long as i am destined to...
But this is the joy and the pain of being a mommy to a little girl who lives in another world from me
Truer, deeper than i believed it to be
This heart my sorrow draws out of me
The ache, the pain that whispers soft like you
Pulling me close to comforts breast, beating steady as you do
Translate a language i've always longed to know
Angelic utterings seep into my bones, calling them to grow
Return vision to the blind within my eyes and gift sight where there is none
Take secrets i whisper only in your keeper ear
So they cascade down into your ribs and lungs, fruitful as a song
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
December 9th- on a drive with my family
Rain smear across my face
Force me to embrace this empty space
I've discovered within my womb
Help me deny the lie that it is only a tomb
Like trees so old you aren't sure leaves will return
So it is within my soul, that bit of heart that dares to yearn
For more to fill me than I've allowed before
To recall how sweet it is to be so empty, leaving space for him to restore
I will dare to slide beneath the surface of an ocean of choices you now set before me
My wet skin burns in the realization that i was the one who let freedom just be a dream
I use my skin to be what confines all that could escape, slipping past the crevice of my eyes
Here in the quiet of me, here is where you hear my heart cry
Savor my tears that do not taste bitter, ones that sing sweet like wide open sky
Slow is how you steal upon me, soft and kind arms wrap me up
Waiting for the wet i ever am to fall upon your skin
Such soft secrets, whisperings your eternal shape begs me to find
If this is the pain that proves true a way i could not see
I open wide my mouth, in a tearful yes, that you would show me
Come for me tonight love,
You will find my window open and my heart awake within my spirits dream
While excitement inside dares me to find my scream
Your finger interrupts your lips, echoing words we have yet to say
A few short hours, that's all i desire, safe in the secret space of you
I climb down the brick wall with you,
Trusting i will be returned before the morning ground begins to dew
Force me to embrace this empty space
I've discovered within my womb
Help me deny the lie that it is only a tomb
Like trees so old you aren't sure leaves will return
So it is within my soul, that bit of heart that dares to yearn
For more to fill me than I've allowed before
To recall how sweet it is to be so empty, leaving space for him to restore
I will dare to slide beneath the surface of an ocean of choices you now set before me
My wet skin burns in the realization that i was the one who let freedom just be a dream
I use my skin to be what confines all that could escape, slipping past the crevice of my eyes
Here in the quiet of me, here is where you hear my heart cry
Savor my tears that do not taste bitter, ones that sing sweet like wide open sky
Slow is how you steal upon me, soft and kind arms wrap me up
Waiting for the wet i ever am to fall upon your skin
Such soft secrets, whisperings your eternal shape begs me to find
If this is the pain that proves true a way i could not see
I open wide my mouth, in a tearful yes, that you would show me
Come for me tonight love,
You will find my window open and my heart awake within my spirits dream
While excitement inside dares me to find my scream
Your finger interrupts your lips, echoing words we have yet to say
A few short hours, that's all i desire, safe in the secret space of you
I climb down the brick wall with you,
Trusting i will be returned before the morning ground begins to dew
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
October 18th
I panic inside thinking of all I wanted to do, but it is just par for the course in this moment..
I cannot push away my grief, i must embrace it while it is here...
This is my greatest pain, and someday it will be my greatest gain
I hate that micah is going back to work today
it was hard enough when he was a room away yesterday.
The first part after we lose a baby is always the hardest
It is like we use each other as glue to keep our hearts inside of our chests
Being seperated for so many hours feels horrible the first week or so
I want to skip this part so badly but i know if i skip any part i may get bitter.
I will not live as a bitter woman.
I want to stay as soft as i can or this accomplishes nothing.
My dear friend, Marie Monville has been such a merciful love to me in this season...
I love how she expressed what it feels like to lose a baby as she has known this pain herself-
"The body recovers long before the heart does"
Aridai is so tender, when he sees me with tears he just looks at me sadly and touches my face and buries his head in my chest.
He just says "I know mommy, you miss mercy"
I am undone, i am so heavy on the inside i think i might fall thru the floor sometimes
Everything is a reminder
Last night i thought i felt her move, and then i remembered she is gone.
Her pictures help my heart so much, she is always mine...
My baby is dead, it keeps ringing, taunting my ears
Aurora looks at me and all i see is mercy bigger...
What she will never be on earth, she can only become in heaven
I fantasized about my two little girls so much, this loss is so much more than i thought it could be.
We prepared for her to be born sooner than expected, we did not prepare ourselves for her death
This morning, aurora woke me up and asked me if there is a new baby in my belly yet...
Her questions feel like icicles and her eyes and hugs feel like fire, and yet she is a soft blanket, wrapping round my heart, protecting me from hard cold settling inside of my soul...
I quickly said "no babydoll, there is not" and went into the bathroom, closing the door behind me, and sobbed quietly.
Aurora followed me into the bathroom and said "Mommy, you always say when someone is sad they need to be held, let me hold you mommy"
So i let my little girl hold me close and love me like only a 4 year old can... without reserve...
Thank you Lord for the gift of these children you've lent to me here...
I cannot push away my grief, i must embrace it while it is here...
This is my greatest pain, and someday it will be my greatest gain
I hate that micah is going back to work today
it was hard enough when he was a room away yesterday.
The first part after we lose a baby is always the hardest
It is like we use each other as glue to keep our hearts inside of our chests
Being seperated for so many hours feels horrible the first week or so
I want to skip this part so badly but i know if i skip any part i may get bitter.
I will not live as a bitter woman.
I want to stay as soft as i can or this accomplishes nothing.
My dear friend, Marie Monville has been such a merciful love to me in this season...
I love how she expressed what it feels like to lose a baby as she has known this pain herself-
"The body recovers long before the heart does"
Aridai is so tender, when he sees me with tears he just looks at me sadly and touches my face and buries his head in my chest.
He just says "I know mommy, you miss mercy"
I am undone, i am so heavy on the inside i think i might fall thru the floor sometimes
Everything is a reminder
Last night i thought i felt her move, and then i remembered she is gone.
Her pictures help my heart so much, she is always mine...
My baby is dead, it keeps ringing, taunting my ears
Aurora looks at me and all i see is mercy bigger...
What she will never be on earth, she can only become in heaven
I fantasized about my two little girls so much, this loss is so much more than i thought it could be.
We prepared for her to be born sooner than expected, we did not prepare ourselves for her death
This morning, aurora woke me up and asked me if there is a new baby in my belly yet...
Her questions feel like icicles and her eyes and hugs feel like fire, and yet she is a soft blanket, wrapping round my heart, protecting me from hard cold settling inside of my soul...
I quickly said "no babydoll, there is not" and went into the bathroom, closing the door behind me, and sobbed quietly.
Aurora followed me into the bathroom and said "Mommy, you always say when someone is sad they need to be held, let me hold you mommy"
So i let my little girl hold me close and love me like only a 4 year old can... without reserve...
Thank you Lord for the gift of these children you've lent to me here...
November 14th
When
i look ahead and it looks like the road is gone and the path washed away it
forces me to lift my eye and look to you...
Maybe
my heart can only show its face, full and beautiful after time has proven it
true...
Psalm
116:1-17 (Paraphrased)
I
love You because you hear my voice and all my achings.
You
bent down close so my heart tickled your ear
just
because you wanted me to call out for you s long as i live
death
wrapped itself around me, tighter and terrorizing
I
found grief and sorrow
But
then i screamed your name "Lord I am begging you, save my life!"
Gracious
is your way, righteous is your voice in my thoughts
I
always knew you were merciful
You
kept me close, this frail simple self
I
was low, living low with death as my companion and you saved me...
Come
back to rest oh soul of mine
He
has given beyond what you expected
Jesus,
you took my soul and rescued me from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from
stumbling
I
will walk with you in the land of the living
I
believed myself when i said "I am greatly afflicted" I said in my
alarm "All men are liars"
So
what now should i surrender to the Lord for all His benefits toward me?
I
will lift up this bittersweet cup of salvation and call upon the name of the
Lord
I
will pay my vows only to Him
Oh
that it would be so in the presence of all His people
Precious
in the sight of the lord
Is
the death of his children
Even
my precious little mercy girl
Oh
Jesus surely I am yours, always eager to serve you
I
am your servant, the daughter of your handmaiden
You
tore off my chains, what else can my heart do but throw all it is at your feet?
I
will give you a sacrifice of thanks
I
will call your name and draw it close to my bones
Monday, December 3, 2012
December 3rd 2012- Monday morning is here...
Here I greet the morning wishing it was the morning that didn’t wake me with the sorrow that losing a baby brings deep down to your heart, wishing I could wake up and not remember…
But this is what carrying love feels like, how it longs to be poured where the love is no longer present…
So instead I pour it excessively over my other loves…
The tears fill up inside of my skin and I hope it doesn’t spill out onto the surface today, there are times that grief is better known alone…
It is time to stir and add all that must be added to complete it…
I take the time to lovingly make the “tear soup” as we have come to affectionately call it…
But this is what carrying love feels like, how it longs to be poured where the love is no longer present…
So instead I pour it excessively over my other loves…
The tears fill up inside of my skin and I hope it doesn’t spill out onto the surface today, there are times that grief is better known alone…
It is time to stir and add all that must be added to complete it…
I take the time to lovingly make the “tear soup” as we have come to affectionately call it…
Lamentations 2:18-19 "Their heart cried out to the Lord, O wall of the daughter of zion, let your tears run down like a river day and night, give yourself no relief, let your eyes have no rest. Arise, cry aloud in the night, at the beginning of the night watches. Pour out your heart like water in the presence of the Lord. Lift up your hands to Him for the life of your little ones."
Psalm 126:4-6 "RESTORE OUR FORTUNES, O Lord,
like streams in the Negev. Those who sow in tears will reap with SONGS
OF JOY. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow will return with
SONGS OF JOY, carrying sheaves with him."
Letter to my daughter...
My sweet Mercy Aderyne,
As I sit here and dream these dreams of you, the ache mingles with the lovely sweetness that is who you were going to be.
I imagine what your little personality would have blossomed into; oh in my heart I see your pretty little face, little nose like daddy and mouth like mommy and little face like Aurora, and Aridai mixed up in a bundle of bliss…
I imagine a happy little girl cooing at her big sister as you play with aurora in our home, oh these bittersweet imaginings of bringing you home…
And that pulls me into a pink and yellow world where she fawns and pours compliments over you just as she did when you were still in my belly; l recall her looking at an ultrasound, seeing how pretty your hands and feet were, and how excited it made her to plan on painting those tiny nails on her baby sister…
You are so close to us baby, even now your sister constantly recalls with mommy all the ways she loves her Mercy sister, all the little things she was looking forward to; all the funny food mommy craved, or how many glasses of water she got for mommy cause mercy was thirsty and mommy needs to drink lots of water for her. Or all the bags she carried with Aridai for mommy so Mercy was kept safe, or how many times Aridai told mommy to sit down so Mercy could feel the rest I gave myself.
I think of how Aurora and Aridai sang songs to you and kissed you every night before bed after they prayed for you. All the times Aurora kissed my belly and whispered secrets only you and she now know.
That’s part of the magic of sisters, the secrets held within your heart and hers.
The looks I was so looking forward to seeing, where neither of you would speak; you would just commune with one another in the sacred silence of a sisters eyes.
I look forward to watching Aurora bend her ear to listen someday when you whisper the secrets of heaven into your big sisters heart…
But for now I will wait with her as she waits to go to you and I will nod my head and smile as she fills my ears with her tales of who u are… And listen achingly to how lovely it feels to her to be a big sister to you, her heavenly Mercy baby…
She knew you were her sister before mommy did, that’s how deep you belong to her…
Oh Mercy, Aridais eyes whisper sad secrets to mommy about how deep he let his heart love you.
Tears well up in his eyes as he smiles and tells me how adorable you were and how he has hope in his heart that someday these little lovely things he wanted to do with you he may yet do…
He often walks up to me after seeing a pregnant woman or a baby and wraps me up and says, “Mommy, do you miss mercy as much as I do? I love her so much, and I feel so happy to see her someday and I keep believing Jesus that someday he will let us keep a baby here with us longer than our other babies, mommy let me feel your tears on my finger, these are Mercy tears aren’t they?”
“Yes baby doll, they are. They all belong to mercy, and every beat of my heart speaks her name inside. “
Memories flood my mind, memories we had yet to make- all he dreamed of being, Aridai and his Mercy sister.
Sleepovers in the living room by the wood stove while mommy nurses Mercy her first few days home
watchful kangaroo care in the nicu we were hoping you would make it to
dreaming of having you on his chest to keep you warm
He tells me how it makes him sad that he doesn’t have to pick up his legos to keep you away from the little pieces after all,
How he he couldn’t wait to hold you in the sling while mommy made dinner
He so ached to tell you over and over how beautiful you are and how much he loves you,
He speaks longingly of all the books he wanted to read and the songs he wanted to sing;
There are too many dreams for mommy to count that lived inside Aridais big brother heart.
He lived to protect you…
He, like your sister kissed you and held you as you lived within my belly, only skin and bones separating you from him…
He was busy making plans and telling you all about what to look forward to after you after you are born.
He spends hours dreaming with mommy and daddy all the dream that is you sweet baby.
I will never forget his face pressed on my belly the first time he felt you move, how he ran from the room yelling for Aurora and Kasey and Daddy to come quick.
Oh the excitement of that night will never leave our home…
Mercy, Aridai misses you so much and he will never forget you, that’s what he asked mommy to tell you
He loves you so much that his whole heart is made bigger because he chose to see you as his sister from the moment he knew you existed, and he learned what it means to believe what you cannot see and to love what you could lose…
Aridai named you baby, and he was right. You were a gift of mercy to all of us…
We have all counted the cost of giving our whole hearts, and though the pain is deep to lose, the gain is greater to risk for…
Love is always worth choosing, life is always worth choosing, even if 90 minutes is all we got to hold you alive in our arms…
Daddy told mommy from the beginning all about how he knew you would be a girl since mommy craved lemon and was so nauseus…
He would climb beneath the covers and whisper prayers and tell you how much he loved you and how we all wanted you…
He would sing, and though it broke my mommy heart to pieces, it also brought me great joy to see him holding you and carrying you around our hospital room singing his last lullaby to his little girl’s heart…
Mercy, daddy gave everything for you
His whole heart saw you fully formed and made so many plans we cannot list them all.
Only daddy caught each one of mommy’s tears and knew how much it hurt to lose you
How sweetly we said yes to Jesus putting you together, out of the love He put inside of us…
Our hearts joined and you were the paint that sang songs on the canvas of our love…
Kasey knows secrets inside mommy I could hardly tell myself, she held me in my weakest place and sat silently when words were not good enough for how much this hurt us both…
We dreamed of snuggling you in front of the wood stove and it all being so worth it someday soon.
And now we choose to answer, it was so worth it, every single bit… you were so worth it all…
Noni was so strong when you came, helping mommy breathe when she didn’t know if she could.
Loving every part of your birth since you were her baby too…
You were all of ours… all together, we loved you and loved you better than we imagined we could…
It was a little over a month ago that you were born...
Every detail of that day stays with me...
As they laid you on my chest, your weight made me believe in the corner of my mind you might make it.
It was amazing watching your little chest rising and falling.
All I want is to feel your skin on mine again. Your body weighty on my chest. Your cheek pressed to my lips.
I long to see your heart beating slow tiny beats, one last time...
But as I As I lay here in the quiet of the living room with daddy I find I am overwhelmed with gratefulness for your life...
I got to be your mommy for 18 precious weeks, I got to hold you alive in my arms for 90 uncountable minutes, I get to know you are safe with your sisters and brothers in heaven...
I am excited to unpack the beauty of my baby as we walk thru the grief and the joy that having you gave us...
My children get to know they are important to you; they gave you life by loving you without reserve...
We get to have beautiful photos to cherish!
Our story may be painful but it is beautiful and I am just going to sit here and soak in this comfort.
Jesus is like a warm blanket to my heart...
I will not shrug off his love from my heart, I have no fight left to say it doesn't need his warmth...
All I feel is love, love made mercy, love fed you, love gave you life, love caused you to grow, love gave you a heartbeat, love made you perfectly formed...
Love has a name- his name is Jesus...
He loved me and gave me a little girl to love and cherish and I will not neglect to see the beauty of who you were to our family and miss out on your precious little gift to our hearts...
You gave us mercy to give to each other, knowing your frailty made us see our own and made us hold each other a little tighter and love a little harder and listen a little closer...
Thank you baby, you were a gift to mommy and daddy and Aridai and Aurora from the start and we are privileged u were lent to us as long as you were..
Oh mercy baby, I miss you more every day... It makes my heart long for home...
Thank you for giving me the gift of being known...
Thank you for giving me an ache for my eyes to see eternally
Oh my little love you snuggle deep inside of my heart, and I hold you there with me, carrying you in like I would out if you had stayed close to me...
You are a month old in heaven, I can picture you cooing and nuzzling closer to His chest...
May His breast satisfy you, as mine would have...
Oh you have tasted love up close and all these little shudderings inside of me just say I wish I knew what you now know...
I miss you like the ground missed the red sea when it parted above it
And I love you like the sand lets the waves claim it and pull it out into its depths...
I miss you like an empty teacup after the commune of the morning is past, leaving only an impatience for the next time...
I love you better than the rose loves its red...
I miss you like the cold a candle becomes after the fire is called away by a breath
I love you like a song loves to be sung in the dark when little ones are afraid without it
Sweet girl, you know my heartbeat better than most, you heard it up close inside...
Love, Mommy
As I sit here and dream these dreams of you, the ache mingles with the lovely sweetness that is who you were going to be.
I imagine what your little personality would have blossomed into; oh in my heart I see your pretty little face, little nose like daddy and mouth like mommy and little face like Aurora, and Aridai mixed up in a bundle of bliss…
I imagine a happy little girl cooing at her big sister as you play with aurora in our home, oh these bittersweet imaginings of bringing you home…
And that pulls me into a pink and yellow world where she fawns and pours compliments over you just as she did when you were still in my belly; l recall her looking at an ultrasound, seeing how pretty your hands and feet were, and how excited it made her to plan on painting those tiny nails on her baby sister…
You are so close to us baby, even now your sister constantly recalls with mommy all the ways she loves her Mercy sister, all the little things she was looking forward to; all the funny food mommy craved, or how many glasses of water she got for mommy cause mercy was thirsty and mommy needs to drink lots of water for her. Or all the bags she carried with Aridai for mommy so Mercy was kept safe, or how many times Aridai told mommy to sit down so Mercy could feel the rest I gave myself.
I think of how Aurora and Aridai sang songs to you and kissed you every night before bed after they prayed for you. All the times Aurora kissed my belly and whispered secrets only you and she now know.
That’s part of the magic of sisters, the secrets held within your heart and hers.
The looks I was so looking forward to seeing, where neither of you would speak; you would just commune with one another in the sacred silence of a sisters eyes.
I look forward to watching Aurora bend her ear to listen someday when you whisper the secrets of heaven into your big sisters heart…
But for now I will wait with her as she waits to go to you and I will nod my head and smile as she fills my ears with her tales of who u are… And listen achingly to how lovely it feels to her to be a big sister to you, her heavenly Mercy baby…
She knew you were her sister before mommy did, that’s how deep you belong to her…
Oh Mercy, Aridais eyes whisper sad secrets to mommy about how deep he let his heart love you.
Tears well up in his eyes as he smiles and tells me how adorable you were and how he has hope in his heart that someday these little lovely things he wanted to do with you he may yet do…
He often walks up to me after seeing a pregnant woman or a baby and wraps me up and says, “Mommy, do you miss mercy as much as I do? I love her so much, and I feel so happy to see her someday and I keep believing Jesus that someday he will let us keep a baby here with us longer than our other babies, mommy let me feel your tears on my finger, these are Mercy tears aren’t they?”
“Yes baby doll, they are. They all belong to mercy, and every beat of my heart speaks her name inside. “
Memories flood my mind, memories we had yet to make- all he dreamed of being, Aridai and his Mercy sister.
Sleepovers in the living room by the wood stove while mommy nurses Mercy her first few days home
watchful kangaroo care in the nicu we were hoping you would make it to
dreaming of having you on his chest to keep you warm
He tells me how it makes him sad that he doesn’t have to pick up his legos to keep you away from the little pieces after all,
How he he couldn’t wait to hold you in the sling while mommy made dinner
He so ached to tell you over and over how beautiful you are and how much he loves you,
He speaks longingly of all the books he wanted to read and the songs he wanted to sing;
There are too many dreams for mommy to count that lived inside Aridais big brother heart.
He lived to protect you…
He, like your sister kissed you and held you as you lived within my belly, only skin and bones separating you from him…
He was busy making plans and telling you all about what to look forward to after you after you are born.
He spends hours dreaming with mommy and daddy all the dream that is you sweet baby.
I will never forget his face pressed on my belly the first time he felt you move, how he ran from the room yelling for Aurora and Kasey and Daddy to come quick.
Oh the excitement of that night will never leave our home…
Mercy, Aridai misses you so much and he will never forget you, that’s what he asked mommy to tell you
He loves you so much that his whole heart is made bigger because he chose to see you as his sister from the moment he knew you existed, and he learned what it means to believe what you cannot see and to love what you could lose…
Aridai named you baby, and he was right. You were a gift of mercy to all of us…
We have all counted the cost of giving our whole hearts, and though the pain is deep to lose, the gain is greater to risk for…
Love is always worth choosing, life is always worth choosing, even if 90 minutes is all we got to hold you alive in our arms…
Daddy told mommy from the beginning all about how he knew you would be a girl since mommy craved lemon and was so nauseus…
He would climb beneath the covers and whisper prayers and tell you how much he loved you and how we all wanted you…
He would sing, and though it broke my mommy heart to pieces, it also brought me great joy to see him holding you and carrying you around our hospital room singing his last lullaby to his little girl’s heart…
Mercy, daddy gave everything for you
His whole heart saw you fully formed and made so many plans we cannot list them all.
Only daddy caught each one of mommy’s tears and knew how much it hurt to lose you
How sweetly we said yes to Jesus putting you together, out of the love He put inside of us…
Our hearts joined and you were the paint that sang songs on the canvas of our love…
Kasey knows secrets inside mommy I could hardly tell myself, she held me in my weakest place and sat silently when words were not good enough for how much this hurt us both…
We dreamed of snuggling you in front of the wood stove and it all being so worth it someday soon.
And now we choose to answer, it was so worth it, every single bit… you were so worth it all…
Noni was so strong when you came, helping mommy breathe when she didn’t know if she could.
Loving every part of your birth since you were her baby too…
You were all of ours… all together, we loved you and loved you better than we imagined we could…
It was a little over a month ago that you were born...
Every detail of that day stays with me...
As they laid you on my chest, your weight made me believe in the corner of my mind you might make it.
It was amazing watching your little chest rising and falling.
All I want is to feel your skin on mine again. Your body weighty on my chest. Your cheek pressed to my lips.
I long to see your heart beating slow tiny beats, one last time...
But as I As I lay here in the quiet of the living room with daddy I find I am overwhelmed with gratefulness for your life...
I got to be your mommy for 18 precious weeks, I got to hold you alive in my arms for 90 uncountable minutes, I get to know you are safe with your sisters and brothers in heaven...
I am excited to unpack the beauty of my baby as we walk thru the grief and the joy that having you gave us...
My children get to know they are important to you; they gave you life by loving you without reserve...
We get to have beautiful photos to cherish!
Our story may be painful but it is beautiful and I am just going to sit here and soak in this comfort.
Jesus is like a warm blanket to my heart...
I will not shrug off his love from my heart, I have no fight left to say it doesn't need his warmth...
All I feel is love, love made mercy, love fed you, love gave you life, love caused you to grow, love gave you a heartbeat, love made you perfectly formed...
Love has a name- his name is Jesus...
He loved me and gave me a little girl to love and cherish and I will not neglect to see the beauty of who you were to our family and miss out on your precious little gift to our hearts...
You gave us mercy to give to each other, knowing your frailty made us see our own and made us hold each other a little tighter and love a little harder and listen a little closer...
Thank you baby, you were a gift to mommy and daddy and Aridai and Aurora from the start and we are privileged u were lent to us as long as you were..
Oh mercy baby, I miss you more every day... It makes my heart long for home...
Thank you for giving me the gift of being known...
Thank you for giving me an ache for my eyes to see eternally
Oh my little love you snuggle deep inside of my heart, and I hold you there with me, carrying you in like I would out if you had stayed close to me...
You are a month old in heaven, I can picture you cooing and nuzzling closer to His chest...
May His breast satisfy you, as mine would have...
Oh you have tasted love up close and all these little shudderings inside of me just say I wish I knew what you now know...
I miss you like the ground missed the red sea when it parted above it
And I love you like the sand lets the waves claim it and pull it out into its depths...
I miss you like an empty teacup after the commune of the morning is past, leaving only an impatience for the next time...
I love you better than the rose loves its red...
I miss you like the cold a candle becomes after the fire is called away by a breath
I love you like a song loves to be sung in the dark when little ones are afraid without it
Sweet girl, you know my heartbeat better than most, you heard it up close inside...
Love, Mommy
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