As I sit here and dream these dreams of you, the ache mingles with the lovely sweetness that is who you were going to be.
I imagine what your little personality would have blossomed into; oh in my heart I see your pretty little face, little nose like daddy and mouth like mommy and little face like Aurora, and Aridai mixed up in a bundle of bliss…
I imagine a happy little girl cooing at her big sister as you play with aurora in our home, oh these bittersweet imaginings of bringing you home…
And that pulls me into a pink and yellow world where she fawns and pours compliments over you just as she did when you were still in my belly; l recall her looking at an ultrasound, seeing how pretty your hands and feet were, and how excited it made her to plan on painting those tiny nails on her baby sister…
You are so close to us baby, even now your sister constantly recalls with mommy all the ways she loves her Mercy sister, all the little things she was looking forward to; all the funny food mommy craved, or how many glasses of water she got for mommy cause mercy was thirsty and mommy needs to drink lots of water for her. Or all the bags she carried with Aridai for mommy so Mercy was kept safe, or how many times Aridai told mommy to sit down so Mercy could feel the rest I gave myself.
I think of how Aurora and Aridai sang songs to you and kissed you every night before bed after they prayed for you. All the times Aurora kissed my belly and whispered secrets only you and she now know.
That’s part of the magic of sisters, the secrets held within your heart and hers.
The looks I was so looking forward to seeing, where neither of you would speak; you would just commune with one another in the sacred silence of a sisters eyes.
I look forward to watching Aurora bend her ear to listen someday when you whisper the secrets of heaven into your big sisters heart…
But for now I will wait with her as she waits to go to you and I will nod my head and smile as she fills my ears with her tales of who u are… And listen achingly to how lovely it feels to her to be a big sister to you, her heavenly Mercy baby…
She knew you were her sister before mommy did, that’s how deep you belong to her…
Oh Mercy, Aridais eyes whisper sad secrets to mommy about how deep he let his heart love you.
Tears well up in his eyes as he smiles and tells me how adorable you were and how he has hope in his heart that someday these little lovely things he wanted to do with you he may yet do…
He often walks up to me after seeing a pregnant woman or a baby and wraps me up and says, “Mommy, do you miss mercy as much as I do? I love her so much, and I feel so happy to see her someday and I keep believing Jesus that someday he will let us keep a baby here with us longer than our other babies, mommy let me feel your tears on my finger, these are Mercy tears aren’t they?”
“Yes baby doll, they are. They all belong to mercy, and every beat of my heart speaks her name inside. “
Memories flood my mind, memories we had yet to make- all he dreamed of being, Aridai and his Mercy sister.
Sleepovers in the living room by the wood stove while mommy nurses Mercy her first few days home
watchful kangaroo care in the nicu we were hoping you would make it to
dreaming of having you on his chest to keep you warm
He tells me how it makes him sad that he doesn’t have to pick up his legos to keep you away from the little pieces after all,
How he he couldn’t wait to hold you in the sling while mommy made dinner
He so ached to tell you over and over how beautiful you are and how much he loves you,
He speaks longingly of all the books he wanted to read and the songs he wanted to sing;
There are too many dreams for mommy to count that lived inside Aridais big brother heart.
He lived to protect you…
He, like your sister kissed you and held you as you lived within my belly, only skin and bones separating you from him…
He was busy making plans and telling you all about what to look forward to after you after you are born.
He spends hours dreaming with mommy and daddy all the dream that is you sweet baby.
I will never forget his face pressed on my belly the first time he felt you move, how he ran from the room yelling for Aurora and Kasey and Daddy to come quick.
Oh the excitement of that night will never leave our home…
Mercy, Aridai misses you so much and he will never forget you, that’s what he asked mommy to tell you
He loves you so much that his whole heart is made bigger because he chose to see you as his sister from the moment he knew you existed, and he learned what it means to believe what you cannot see and to love what you could lose…
Aridai named you baby, and he was right. You were a gift of mercy to all of us…
We have all counted the cost of giving our whole hearts, and though the pain is deep to lose, the gain is greater to risk for…
Love is always worth choosing, life is always worth choosing, even if 90 minutes is all we got to hold you alive in our arms…
Daddy told mommy from the beginning all about how he knew you would be a girl since mommy craved lemon and was so nauseus…
He would climb beneath the covers and whisper prayers and tell you how much he loved you and how we all wanted you…
He would sing, and though it broke my mommy heart to pieces, it also brought me great joy to see him holding you and carrying you around our hospital room singing his last lullaby to his little girl’s heart…
Mercy, daddy gave everything for you
His whole heart saw you fully formed and made so many plans we cannot list them all.
Only daddy caught each one of mommy’s tears and knew how much it hurt to lose you
How sweetly we said yes to Jesus putting you together, out of the love He put inside of us…
Our hearts joined and you were the paint that sang songs on the canvas of our love…
Kasey knows secrets inside mommy I could hardly tell myself, she held me in my weakest place and sat silently when words were not good enough for how much this hurt us both…
We dreamed of snuggling you in front of the wood stove and it all being so worth it someday soon.
And now we choose to answer, it was so worth it, every single bit… you were so worth it all…
Noni was so strong when you came, helping mommy breathe when she didn’t know if she could.
Loving every part of your birth since you were her baby too…
You were all of ours… all together, we loved you and loved you better than we imagined we could…
It was a little over a month ago that you were born...
Every detail of that day stays with me...
As they laid you on my chest, your weight made me believe in the corner of my mind you might make it.
It was amazing watching your little chest rising and falling.
All I want is to feel your skin on mine again. Your body weighty on my chest. Your cheek pressed to my lips.
I long to see your heart beating slow tiny beats, one last time...
But as I As I lay here in the quiet of the living room with daddy I find I am overwhelmed with gratefulness for your life...
I got to be your mommy for 18 precious weeks, I got to hold you alive in my arms for 90 uncountable minutes, I get to know you are safe with your sisters and brothers in heaven...
I am excited to unpack the beauty of my baby as we walk thru the grief and the joy that having you gave us...
My children get to know they are important to you; they gave you life by loving you without reserve...
We get to have beautiful photos to cherish!
Our story may be painful but it is beautiful and I am just going to sit here and soak in this comfort.
Jesus is like a warm blanket to my heart...
I will not shrug off his love from my heart, I have no fight left to say it doesn't need his warmth...
All I feel is love, love made mercy, love fed you, love gave you life, love caused you to grow, love gave you a heartbeat, love made you perfectly formed...
Love has a name- his name is Jesus...
He loved me and gave me a little girl to love and cherish and I will not neglect to see the beauty of who you were to our family and miss out on your precious little gift to our hearts...
You gave us mercy to give to each other, knowing your frailty made us see our own and made us hold each other a little tighter and love a little harder and listen a little closer...
Thank you baby, you were a gift to mommy and daddy and Aridai and Aurora from the start and we are privileged u were lent to us as long as you were..
Oh mercy baby, I miss you more every day... It makes my heart long for home...
Thank you for giving me the gift of being known...
Thank you for giving me an ache for my eyes to see eternally
Oh my little love you snuggle deep inside of my heart, and I hold you there with me, carrying you in like I would out if you had stayed close to me...
You are a month old in heaven, I can picture you cooing and nuzzling closer to His chest...
May His breast satisfy you, as mine would have...
Oh you have tasted love up close and all these little shudderings inside of me just say I wish I knew what you now know...
I miss you like the ground missed the red sea when it parted above it
And I love you like the sand lets the waves claim it and pull it out into its depths...
I miss you like an empty teacup after the commune of the morning is past, leaving only an impatience for the next time...
I love you better than the rose loves its red...
I miss you like the cold a candle becomes after the fire is called away by a breath
I love you like a song loves to be sung in the dark when little ones are afraid without it
Sweet girl, you know my heartbeat better than most, you heard it up close inside...
Love, Mommy
No comments:
Post a Comment