"And the cup He brings, though it burns your lips,
has been fashioned of the clay
which the potter has moistened with His own sacred tears"
Kahlil Gibran
"The enemy pursues me, he crushes me to the ground; he makes me dwell in darkness like those long dead. So my spirit grows faint within me; my heart within me is dismayed" Psalm 143:3-4
Yet I am always with you, you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have i in heaven but you? And earth has nothing i desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is my strength of my heart and my portion forever" Psalm 73:23-26
Mommy's journal entry from October 16th- actually 17th cause its so late...
My heart is beating too hard, Is it just because of the difficulty of this pregnancy or can my heart literally not be right today, tomorrow or not at all too soon?
I am so tired tonight, but i cannot sleep. I close my eyes for a moment and the lids lay down and behind my peaceful look is a terrified mommy watching her daughter being wheeled away from her, never to be held close again.
I try to scream but nothing will come out from these lips... There is no mercy right now, it is not to be had... Or so it feels to me in this moment... Nothing feels merciful in this moment
I think if one more person says to me that Jesus had other plans for her, or that this was his purpose for her, i literally will try to hit them. If they believe this was Jesus' doing, i feel like they just must not know the same Jesus i do. He allowed it, He did not cause it. Go ahead and try to tell me something prophetic or utterly profound, seeking to save me from my sorrow. Your words are so empty to me, just like my womb. This hurt is so deep, nothing will fix it except He who knows me and He who made me... Leave your pity or your divine understanding of this grief unknown at some other site, my heart hasn't the space for it right now...
All i want is to feel her skin on mine again; her body weighty on my chest. Her cheek pressed to my lips, her heart beating slow tiny beats, one last time...
All i crave is her back in my belly, i want to lay down just like i do every night and put my hand around my belly as i sing and pray and whisper to her after daddy and her siblings are fast asleep...
I want to risk my heart again, and feel her kicking; telling me she loves me and she knows she is loved. I want to lay on the couch with Aridai's head against me, and watch him run into the kitchen shouting for aurora to come quick and feel mercy move with him... To watch them press their faces and hands to my belly and watch them excitedly running in circles around the living room telling Kasey and daddy excitedly how they felt baby mercy moving!
I don't want to watch my Aridai collapse into my chest as he realizes when we say mommy had the baby, it doesn't actually mean she survived here... she went to be with Jesus instead... I don't want to hear my little auroras confused questions tumble out of her precious heart...
The pain was more than our mommy and daddy hearts could bear to watch their faces rise in excitement to see mommy home and hear that she had the baby; and to watch their faces fall in utter devastation to hear their sister won't be coming home...
We gave the children bunnies from Mercy, she knew their arms would want to hold something and since she wouldn't be coming home she wanted them to have something to hold when their arms hurt from wanting their sister close... I got a little sculpture for daddy of a wife and husband comforting one another and he started to cry... Aurora rushed to his side and put her head on his head and her hands on his face and motioned for mommy and Aridai and Kasey to come close and pray with her for daddy's sadness and for Jesus to give back baby Mercy. But Aridai has been alive long enough to shake his little head at her and look sadly across at mommy because he knows that is not going to happen... She is gone, until we get to eternity; this is how far we are from her for now. He just prays for Jesus to come close to mommy and daddy as they are hurting and Jesus, when you give us another baby, because you will; please, let our next baby live please. And help Mommy's body to get healthy again. And Jesus, we are so grateful you let us have her as long as you did; that i got to feel her move and hear her heart beating... Amen
I completely lost it inside when i saw my sweet little boy pray for his mommy to be well and express gratefulness for his sister and that he had the wherewithal to look to the future for mommy and daddy to conceive life again... I can hardly stand to see the love in my little family, it knocks the breath out of me...
The sun will be up soon, i will try to rest and write more later...
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