October 18th

I panic inside thinking of all I wanted to do, but it is just par for the course in this moment..
I cannot push away my grief, i must embrace it while it is here...
This is my greatest pain, and someday it will be my greatest gain
I hate that micah is going back to work today
it was hard enough when he was a room away yesterday.
The first part after we lose a baby is always the hardest
It is like we use each other as glue to keep our hearts inside of our chests
Being seperated for so many hours feels horrible the first week or so
I want to skip this part so badly but i know if i skip any part i may get bitter.
I will not live as a bitter woman.
I want to stay as soft as i can or this accomplishes nothing.
My dear friend, Marie Monville has been such a merciful love to me in this season...
I love how she expressed what it feels like to lose a baby as she has known this pain herself-
 "The body recovers long before the heart does"
Aridai is so tender, when he sees me with tears he just looks at me sadly and touches my face and buries his head in my chest.
He just says "I know mommy, you miss mercy"
I am undone, i am so heavy on the inside i think i might fall thru the floor sometimes
Everything is a reminder
Last night i thought i felt her move,  and then i remembered she is gone.
Her pictures help my heart so much, she is always mine...
My baby is dead, it keeps ringing, taunting my ears
Aurora looks at me and all i see is mercy bigger...
What she will never be on earth, she can only become in heaven
I fantasized about my two little girls so much, this loss is so much more than i thought it could be.
We prepared for her to be born sooner than expected, we did not prepare ourselves for her death
This morning, aurora woke me up and asked me if there is a new baby in my belly yet...
Her questions feel like icicles and her eyes and hugs feel like fire, and yet she is a soft blanket, wrapping round my heart, protecting me from hard cold settling inside of my soul...
I quickly said "no babydoll, there is not"  and went into the bathroom, closing the door behind me, and sobbed quietly.
Aurora followed me into the bathroom and said "Mommy, you always say when someone is sad they need to be held, let me hold you mommy"
So i let my little girl hold me close and love me like only a 4 year old can... without reserve...
Thank you Lord for the gift of these children you've lent to me here...