October 22 2012- One week after

My posts are not as organized as i would like them to be, they come out a little at a time from my journal, like i only give myself a little bit of permission at a time to let it out like this...

This is why i try to put dates with my entries so u can attempt to follow that way...

Eventually when the grief is not so thick, maybe ill organize it.. and yet maybe i wont try and clean up my grief, perhaps i will leave it where it lays, as i have been forced to do with my little girls remains... seeing as she no longer resides with them...

One week ago today my daughter mercy was born...
Every detail of that day stays with me...
As they laid her on my chest her weight made me believe in the corner of my mind she might make it. Her little chest rising and falling. I took a picture of her before her heart stopped fully...
This is that picture in my mind, where my little girl is only asleep to me, just resting after the hard work of labor... That's all...
For a few moments I allowed my mind to wander away with her before she left me, to that place u go with your child that only your child and you know, where u sit and breastfeed your baby, drawing them up close to your heart; keeping them warm...
But all my warmth just wasn't enough to keep her. Snuggling her in deep, breathing her scent;  swearing to myself I would never forget this...

It is what I miss today...
Nursing is my favorite thing to do; my husband always says in the last weeks of pregnancy "only a few more weeks and you will finally be nursing our baby! Honey you can do it, it's gonna be so worth it."

Do I choose to say its worth it today? When I ache and know there is nothing for this pain... Ah yes, I can medicate myself, but thats not how you truly help this pain...
This pain I have to fully feel in order to fully release her. Or I might not give my heart the chance to try and love again... And I can't do that to my heart, it must live as fully as possible...
So she stays in me all day right now and there is nothing else besides loving my little family that takes residence in my thoughts...
So do I choose to say its worth it today...
Just look at her sweet face; she is so worth every bit of pain this produces in me...
I just miss my baby girl...
Right about now was when my labor started...
Here I come Lord, laboring to find some life to feed my heart...
I am so tired; I am so hurting; help me be a good mommy to my Aurora and Aridai today, help me love  on my husband today, help me clean my house and remove some of the dark, please fill my home with light... I need it so badly today...
I won't make it without you Jesus... Come close and breathe life into my broken heart, breathe into my suffocating lungs that can't take so much sorrow in one day...
I am so grateful for mercy... All 6 1/2 ounces of her...
And the 90 minutes I got to have her outside of my belly; while her heart beat here...

Breathe Hannah; i tell myself; just breathe...
This tightening will subside someday... Just breathe thru it for now...