Flashback-
Holding her through the night
Still smell her skin, still feel her weight
I remember how i couldn't wait till the sun rose
Before i took her out of her bassinet and deeply breathed her in
Ever knowing these would be the only breaths i would be given
Sitting here, it hits me with such a strong force,
Her shape and her scent and her weight against my breast
As i waited for the sun to peek over the horizon, clinging tightly to her,
Knowing the shadows of light taunted me with their time ticking ways...
Whispering the end was coming soon, i would not be able to hold her forever...
And even now, my heart breaks and flows over the throne of grace thinking of it...
Each passing moment, another dream floated away
Till i couldn't even muster their taste within my mind
No pain has ever been deeper, and even here i know so many others whose pain is deeper still
It pushes me to see how fleeting it may have felt to Mary as she nursed Jesus his very first time
How aware and how emotional the moment must have been,
Knowing he was destined to be taken from her,
Destined to be more than she could contain within the family life she had dreamed would be...
How do you prepare for that?
I think its in little pockets of mercy, moment by moment,
Stumbling upon life giving whispers that almost feel like answers in the quiet places of your mind...
Merry Christmas Mercy baby, mommy loves you...
Today was painful and beautiful with you away from me and close to Jesus...
I find i am more grateful than ever before now
That Mary didn't take her child and flee into the wilderness
Running from the Lord and from his destiny...
She was so wise... and so heartrendingly true, in her love for her firstborn son
She sought to teach those who would follow her in the call to carry life, this is unconditional love
Lord, teach me in this quiet pain, how to love unconditionally...
Let it be my gain... to learn to love like you do
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Monday, December 17, 2012
December 16th
What does 90 minutes look like?
I know my tendency is to pull and stretch it there in my mind
in order to make up a life long enough
that someone else finds it worth celebrating and mourning
as long as i am destined to...
But this is the joy and the pain of being a mommy to a little girl who lives in another world from me
Truer, deeper than i believed it to be
This heart my sorrow draws out of me
The ache, the pain that whispers soft like you
Pulling me close to comforts breast, beating steady as you do
Translate a language i've always longed to know
Angelic utterings seep into my bones, calling them to grow
Return vision to the blind within my eyes and gift sight where there is none
Take secrets i whisper only in your keeper ear
So they cascade down into your ribs and lungs, fruitful as a song
I know my tendency is to pull and stretch it there in my mind
in order to make up a life long enough
that someone else finds it worth celebrating and mourning
as long as i am destined to...
But this is the joy and the pain of being a mommy to a little girl who lives in another world from me
Truer, deeper than i believed it to be
This heart my sorrow draws out of me
The ache, the pain that whispers soft like you
Pulling me close to comforts breast, beating steady as you do
Translate a language i've always longed to know
Angelic utterings seep into my bones, calling them to grow
Return vision to the blind within my eyes and gift sight where there is none
Take secrets i whisper only in your keeper ear
So they cascade down into your ribs and lungs, fruitful as a song
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
December 9th- on a drive with my family
Rain smear across my face
Force me to embrace this empty space
I've discovered within my womb
Help me deny the lie that it is only a tomb
Like trees so old you aren't sure leaves will return
So it is within my soul, that bit of heart that dares to yearn
For more to fill me than I've allowed before
To recall how sweet it is to be so empty, leaving space for him to restore
I will dare to slide beneath the surface of an ocean of choices you now set before me
My wet skin burns in the realization that i was the one who let freedom just be a dream
I use my skin to be what confines all that could escape, slipping past the crevice of my eyes
Here in the quiet of me, here is where you hear my heart cry
Savor my tears that do not taste bitter, ones that sing sweet like wide open sky
Slow is how you steal upon me, soft and kind arms wrap me up
Waiting for the wet i ever am to fall upon your skin
Such soft secrets, whisperings your eternal shape begs me to find
If this is the pain that proves true a way i could not see
I open wide my mouth, in a tearful yes, that you would show me
Come for me tonight love,
You will find my window open and my heart awake within my spirits dream
While excitement inside dares me to find my scream
Your finger interrupts your lips, echoing words we have yet to say
A few short hours, that's all i desire, safe in the secret space of you
I climb down the brick wall with you,
Trusting i will be returned before the morning ground begins to dew
Force me to embrace this empty space
I've discovered within my womb
Help me deny the lie that it is only a tomb
Like trees so old you aren't sure leaves will return
So it is within my soul, that bit of heart that dares to yearn
For more to fill me than I've allowed before
To recall how sweet it is to be so empty, leaving space for him to restore
I will dare to slide beneath the surface of an ocean of choices you now set before me
My wet skin burns in the realization that i was the one who let freedom just be a dream
I use my skin to be what confines all that could escape, slipping past the crevice of my eyes
Here in the quiet of me, here is where you hear my heart cry
Savor my tears that do not taste bitter, ones that sing sweet like wide open sky
Slow is how you steal upon me, soft and kind arms wrap me up
Waiting for the wet i ever am to fall upon your skin
Such soft secrets, whisperings your eternal shape begs me to find
If this is the pain that proves true a way i could not see
I open wide my mouth, in a tearful yes, that you would show me
Come for me tonight love,
You will find my window open and my heart awake within my spirits dream
While excitement inside dares me to find my scream
Your finger interrupts your lips, echoing words we have yet to say
A few short hours, that's all i desire, safe in the secret space of you
I climb down the brick wall with you,
Trusting i will be returned before the morning ground begins to dew
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
October 18th
I panic inside thinking of all I wanted to do, but it is just par for the course in this moment..
I cannot push away my grief, i must embrace it while it is here...
This is my greatest pain, and someday it will be my greatest gain
I hate that micah is going back to work today
it was hard enough when he was a room away yesterday.
The first part after we lose a baby is always the hardest
It is like we use each other as glue to keep our hearts inside of our chests
Being seperated for so many hours feels horrible the first week or so
I want to skip this part so badly but i know if i skip any part i may get bitter.
I will not live as a bitter woman.
I want to stay as soft as i can or this accomplishes nothing.
My dear friend, Marie Monville has been such a merciful love to me in this season...
I love how she expressed what it feels like to lose a baby as she has known this pain herself-
"The body recovers long before the heart does"
Aridai is so tender, when he sees me with tears he just looks at me sadly and touches my face and buries his head in my chest.
He just says "I know mommy, you miss mercy"
I am undone, i am so heavy on the inside i think i might fall thru the floor sometimes
Everything is a reminder
Last night i thought i felt her move, and then i remembered she is gone.
Her pictures help my heart so much, she is always mine...
My baby is dead, it keeps ringing, taunting my ears
Aurora looks at me and all i see is mercy bigger...
What she will never be on earth, she can only become in heaven
I fantasized about my two little girls so much, this loss is so much more than i thought it could be.
We prepared for her to be born sooner than expected, we did not prepare ourselves for her death
This morning, aurora woke me up and asked me if there is a new baby in my belly yet...
Her questions feel like icicles and her eyes and hugs feel like fire, and yet she is a soft blanket, wrapping round my heart, protecting me from hard cold settling inside of my soul...
I quickly said "no babydoll, there is not" and went into the bathroom, closing the door behind me, and sobbed quietly.
Aurora followed me into the bathroom and said "Mommy, you always say when someone is sad they need to be held, let me hold you mommy"
So i let my little girl hold me close and love me like only a 4 year old can... without reserve...
Thank you Lord for the gift of these children you've lent to me here...
I cannot push away my grief, i must embrace it while it is here...
This is my greatest pain, and someday it will be my greatest gain
I hate that micah is going back to work today
it was hard enough when he was a room away yesterday.
The first part after we lose a baby is always the hardest
It is like we use each other as glue to keep our hearts inside of our chests
Being seperated for so many hours feels horrible the first week or so
I want to skip this part so badly but i know if i skip any part i may get bitter.
I will not live as a bitter woman.
I want to stay as soft as i can or this accomplishes nothing.
My dear friend, Marie Monville has been such a merciful love to me in this season...
I love how she expressed what it feels like to lose a baby as she has known this pain herself-
"The body recovers long before the heart does"
Aridai is so tender, when he sees me with tears he just looks at me sadly and touches my face and buries his head in my chest.
He just says "I know mommy, you miss mercy"
I am undone, i am so heavy on the inside i think i might fall thru the floor sometimes
Everything is a reminder
Last night i thought i felt her move, and then i remembered she is gone.
Her pictures help my heart so much, she is always mine...
My baby is dead, it keeps ringing, taunting my ears
Aurora looks at me and all i see is mercy bigger...
What she will never be on earth, she can only become in heaven
I fantasized about my two little girls so much, this loss is so much more than i thought it could be.
We prepared for her to be born sooner than expected, we did not prepare ourselves for her death
This morning, aurora woke me up and asked me if there is a new baby in my belly yet...
Her questions feel like icicles and her eyes and hugs feel like fire, and yet she is a soft blanket, wrapping round my heart, protecting me from hard cold settling inside of my soul...
I quickly said "no babydoll, there is not" and went into the bathroom, closing the door behind me, and sobbed quietly.
Aurora followed me into the bathroom and said "Mommy, you always say when someone is sad they need to be held, let me hold you mommy"
So i let my little girl hold me close and love me like only a 4 year old can... without reserve...
Thank you Lord for the gift of these children you've lent to me here...
November 14th
When
i look ahead and it looks like the road is gone and the path washed away it
forces me to lift my eye and look to you...
Maybe
my heart can only show its face, full and beautiful after time has proven it
true...
Psalm
116:1-17 (Paraphrased)
I
love You because you hear my voice and all my achings.
You
bent down close so my heart tickled your ear
just
because you wanted me to call out for you s long as i live
death
wrapped itself around me, tighter and terrorizing
I
found grief and sorrow
But
then i screamed your name "Lord I am begging you, save my life!"
Gracious
is your way, righteous is your voice in my thoughts
I
always knew you were merciful
You
kept me close, this frail simple self
I
was low, living low with death as my companion and you saved me...
Come
back to rest oh soul of mine
He
has given beyond what you expected
Jesus,
you took my soul and rescued me from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from
stumbling
I
will walk with you in the land of the living
I
believed myself when i said "I am greatly afflicted" I said in my
alarm "All men are liars"
So
what now should i surrender to the Lord for all His benefits toward me?
I
will lift up this bittersweet cup of salvation and call upon the name of the
Lord
I
will pay my vows only to Him
Oh
that it would be so in the presence of all His people
Precious
in the sight of the lord
Is
the death of his children
Even
my precious little mercy girl
Oh
Jesus surely I am yours, always eager to serve you
I
am your servant, the daughter of your handmaiden
You
tore off my chains, what else can my heart do but throw all it is at your feet?
I
will give you a sacrifice of thanks
I
will call your name and draw it close to my bones
Monday, December 3, 2012
December 3rd 2012- Monday morning is here...
Here I greet the morning wishing it was the morning that didn’t wake me with the sorrow that losing a baby brings deep down to your heart, wishing I could wake up and not remember…
But this is what carrying love feels like, how it longs to be poured where the love is no longer present…
So instead I pour it excessively over my other loves…
The tears fill up inside of my skin and I hope it doesn’t spill out onto the surface today, there are times that grief is better known alone…
It is time to stir and add all that must be added to complete it…
I take the time to lovingly make the “tear soup” as we have come to affectionately call it…
But this is what carrying love feels like, how it longs to be poured where the love is no longer present…
So instead I pour it excessively over my other loves…
The tears fill up inside of my skin and I hope it doesn’t spill out onto the surface today, there are times that grief is better known alone…
It is time to stir and add all that must be added to complete it…
I take the time to lovingly make the “tear soup” as we have come to affectionately call it…
Lamentations 2:18-19 "Their heart cried out to the Lord, O wall of the daughter of zion, let your tears run down like a river day and night, give yourself no relief, let your eyes have no rest. Arise, cry aloud in the night, at the beginning of the night watches. Pour out your heart like water in the presence of the Lord. Lift up your hands to Him for the life of your little ones."
Psalm 126:4-6 "RESTORE OUR FORTUNES, O Lord,
like streams in the Negev. Those who sow in tears will reap with SONGS
OF JOY. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow will return with
SONGS OF JOY, carrying sheaves with him."
Letter to my daughter...
My sweet Mercy Aderyne,
As I sit here and dream these dreams of you, the ache mingles with the lovely sweetness that is who you were going to be.
I imagine what your little personality would have blossomed into; oh in my heart I see your pretty little face, little nose like daddy and mouth like mommy and little face like Aurora, and Aridai mixed up in a bundle of bliss…
I imagine a happy little girl cooing at her big sister as you play with aurora in our home, oh these bittersweet imaginings of bringing you home…
And that pulls me into a pink and yellow world where she fawns and pours compliments over you just as she did when you were still in my belly; l recall her looking at an ultrasound, seeing how pretty your hands and feet were, and how excited it made her to plan on painting those tiny nails on her baby sister…
You are so close to us baby, even now your sister constantly recalls with mommy all the ways she loves her Mercy sister, all the little things she was looking forward to; all the funny food mommy craved, or how many glasses of water she got for mommy cause mercy was thirsty and mommy needs to drink lots of water for her. Or all the bags she carried with Aridai for mommy so Mercy was kept safe, or how many times Aridai told mommy to sit down so Mercy could feel the rest I gave myself.
I think of how Aurora and Aridai sang songs to you and kissed you every night before bed after they prayed for you. All the times Aurora kissed my belly and whispered secrets only you and she now know.
That’s part of the magic of sisters, the secrets held within your heart and hers.
The looks I was so looking forward to seeing, where neither of you would speak; you would just commune with one another in the sacred silence of a sisters eyes.
I look forward to watching Aurora bend her ear to listen someday when you whisper the secrets of heaven into your big sisters heart…
But for now I will wait with her as she waits to go to you and I will nod my head and smile as she fills my ears with her tales of who u are… And listen achingly to how lovely it feels to her to be a big sister to you, her heavenly Mercy baby…
She knew you were her sister before mommy did, that’s how deep you belong to her…
Oh Mercy, Aridais eyes whisper sad secrets to mommy about how deep he let his heart love you.
Tears well up in his eyes as he smiles and tells me how adorable you were and how he has hope in his heart that someday these little lovely things he wanted to do with you he may yet do…
He often walks up to me after seeing a pregnant woman or a baby and wraps me up and says, “Mommy, do you miss mercy as much as I do? I love her so much, and I feel so happy to see her someday and I keep believing Jesus that someday he will let us keep a baby here with us longer than our other babies, mommy let me feel your tears on my finger, these are Mercy tears aren’t they?”
“Yes baby doll, they are. They all belong to mercy, and every beat of my heart speaks her name inside. “
Memories flood my mind, memories we had yet to make- all he dreamed of being, Aridai and his Mercy sister.
Sleepovers in the living room by the wood stove while mommy nurses Mercy her first few days home
watchful kangaroo care in the nicu we were hoping you would make it to
dreaming of having you on his chest to keep you warm
He tells me how it makes him sad that he doesn’t have to pick up his legos to keep you away from the little pieces after all,
How he he couldn’t wait to hold you in the sling while mommy made dinner
He so ached to tell you over and over how beautiful you are and how much he loves you,
He speaks longingly of all the books he wanted to read and the songs he wanted to sing;
There are too many dreams for mommy to count that lived inside Aridais big brother heart.
He lived to protect you…
He, like your sister kissed you and held you as you lived within my belly, only skin and bones separating you from him…
He was busy making plans and telling you all about what to look forward to after you after you are born.
He spends hours dreaming with mommy and daddy all the dream that is you sweet baby.
I will never forget his face pressed on my belly the first time he felt you move, how he ran from the room yelling for Aurora and Kasey and Daddy to come quick.
Oh the excitement of that night will never leave our home…
Mercy, Aridai misses you so much and he will never forget you, that’s what he asked mommy to tell you
He loves you so much that his whole heart is made bigger because he chose to see you as his sister from the moment he knew you existed, and he learned what it means to believe what you cannot see and to love what you could lose…
Aridai named you baby, and he was right. You were a gift of mercy to all of us…
We have all counted the cost of giving our whole hearts, and though the pain is deep to lose, the gain is greater to risk for…
Love is always worth choosing, life is always worth choosing, even if 90 minutes is all we got to hold you alive in our arms…
Daddy told mommy from the beginning all about how he knew you would be a girl since mommy craved lemon and was so nauseus…
He would climb beneath the covers and whisper prayers and tell you how much he loved you and how we all wanted you…
He would sing, and though it broke my mommy heart to pieces, it also brought me great joy to see him holding you and carrying you around our hospital room singing his last lullaby to his little girl’s heart…
Mercy, daddy gave everything for you
His whole heart saw you fully formed and made so many plans we cannot list them all.
Only daddy caught each one of mommy’s tears and knew how much it hurt to lose you
How sweetly we said yes to Jesus putting you together, out of the love He put inside of us…
Our hearts joined and you were the paint that sang songs on the canvas of our love…
Kasey knows secrets inside mommy I could hardly tell myself, she held me in my weakest place and sat silently when words were not good enough for how much this hurt us both…
We dreamed of snuggling you in front of the wood stove and it all being so worth it someday soon.
And now we choose to answer, it was so worth it, every single bit… you were so worth it all…
Noni was so strong when you came, helping mommy breathe when she didn’t know if she could.
Loving every part of your birth since you were her baby too…
You were all of ours… all together, we loved you and loved you better than we imagined we could…
It was a little over a month ago that you were born...
Every detail of that day stays with me...
As they laid you on my chest, your weight made me believe in the corner of my mind you might make it.
It was amazing watching your little chest rising and falling.
All I want is to feel your skin on mine again. Your body weighty on my chest. Your cheek pressed to my lips.
I long to see your heart beating slow tiny beats, one last time...
But as I As I lay here in the quiet of the living room with daddy I find I am overwhelmed with gratefulness for your life...
I got to be your mommy for 18 precious weeks, I got to hold you alive in my arms for 90 uncountable minutes, I get to know you are safe with your sisters and brothers in heaven...
I am excited to unpack the beauty of my baby as we walk thru the grief and the joy that having you gave us...
My children get to know they are important to you; they gave you life by loving you without reserve...
We get to have beautiful photos to cherish!
Our story may be painful but it is beautiful and I am just going to sit here and soak in this comfort.
Jesus is like a warm blanket to my heart...
I will not shrug off his love from my heart, I have no fight left to say it doesn't need his warmth...
All I feel is love, love made mercy, love fed you, love gave you life, love caused you to grow, love gave you a heartbeat, love made you perfectly formed...
Love has a name- his name is Jesus...
He loved me and gave me a little girl to love and cherish and I will not neglect to see the beauty of who you were to our family and miss out on your precious little gift to our hearts...
You gave us mercy to give to each other, knowing your frailty made us see our own and made us hold each other a little tighter and love a little harder and listen a little closer...
Thank you baby, you were a gift to mommy and daddy and Aridai and Aurora from the start and we are privileged u were lent to us as long as you were..
Oh mercy baby, I miss you more every day... It makes my heart long for home...
Thank you for giving me the gift of being known...
Thank you for giving me an ache for my eyes to see eternally
Oh my little love you snuggle deep inside of my heart, and I hold you there with me, carrying you in like I would out if you had stayed close to me...
You are a month old in heaven, I can picture you cooing and nuzzling closer to His chest...
May His breast satisfy you, as mine would have...
Oh you have tasted love up close and all these little shudderings inside of me just say I wish I knew what you now know...
I miss you like the ground missed the red sea when it parted above it
And I love you like the sand lets the waves claim it and pull it out into its depths...
I miss you like an empty teacup after the commune of the morning is past, leaving only an impatience for the next time...
I love you better than the rose loves its red...
I miss you like the cold a candle becomes after the fire is called away by a breath
I love you like a song loves to be sung in the dark when little ones are afraid without it
Sweet girl, you know my heartbeat better than most, you heard it up close inside...
Love, Mommy
As I sit here and dream these dreams of you, the ache mingles with the lovely sweetness that is who you were going to be.
I imagine what your little personality would have blossomed into; oh in my heart I see your pretty little face, little nose like daddy and mouth like mommy and little face like Aurora, and Aridai mixed up in a bundle of bliss…
I imagine a happy little girl cooing at her big sister as you play with aurora in our home, oh these bittersweet imaginings of bringing you home…
And that pulls me into a pink and yellow world where she fawns and pours compliments over you just as she did when you were still in my belly; l recall her looking at an ultrasound, seeing how pretty your hands and feet were, and how excited it made her to plan on painting those tiny nails on her baby sister…
You are so close to us baby, even now your sister constantly recalls with mommy all the ways she loves her Mercy sister, all the little things she was looking forward to; all the funny food mommy craved, or how many glasses of water she got for mommy cause mercy was thirsty and mommy needs to drink lots of water for her. Or all the bags she carried with Aridai for mommy so Mercy was kept safe, or how many times Aridai told mommy to sit down so Mercy could feel the rest I gave myself.
I think of how Aurora and Aridai sang songs to you and kissed you every night before bed after they prayed for you. All the times Aurora kissed my belly and whispered secrets only you and she now know.
That’s part of the magic of sisters, the secrets held within your heart and hers.
The looks I was so looking forward to seeing, where neither of you would speak; you would just commune with one another in the sacred silence of a sisters eyes.
I look forward to watching Aurora bend her ear to listen someday when you whisper the secrets of heaven into your big sisters heart…
But for now I will wait with her as she waits to go to you and I will nod my head and smile as she fills my ears with her tales of who u are… And listen achingly to how lovely it feels to her to be a big sister to you, her heavenly Mercy baby…
She knew you were her sister before mommy did, that’s how deep you belong to her…
Oh Mercy, Aridais eyes whisper sad secrets to mommy about how deep he let his heart love you.
Tears well up in his eyes as he smiles and tells me how adorable you were and how he has hope in his heart that someday these little lovely things he wanted to do with you he may yet do…
He often walks up to me after seeing a pregnant woman or a baby and wraps me up and says, “Mommy, do you miss mercy as much as I do? I love her so much, and I feel so happy to see her someday and I keep believing Jesus that someday he will let us keep a baby here with us longer than our other babies, mommy let me feel your tears on my finger, these are Mercy tears aren’t they?”
“Yes baby doll, they are. They all belong to mercy, and every beat of my heart speaks her name inside. “
Memories flood my mind, memories we had yet to make- all he dreamed of being, Aridai and his Mercy sister.
Sleepovers in the living room by the wood stove while mommy nurses Mercy her first few days home
watchful kangaroo care in the nicu we were hoping you would make it to
dreaming of having you on his chest to keep you warm
He tells me how it makes him sad that he doesn’t have to pick up his legos to keep you away from the little pieces after all,
How he he couldn’t wait to hold you in the sling while mommy made dinner
He so ached to tell you over and over how beautiful you are and how much he loves you,
He speaks longingly of all the books he wanted to read and the songs he wanted to sing;
There are too many dreams for mommy to count that lived inside Aridais big brother heart.
He lived to protect you…
He, like your sister kissed you and held you as you lived within my belly, only skin and bones separating you from him…
He was busy making plans and telling you all about what to look forward to after you after you are born.
He spends hours dreaming with mommy and daddy all the dream that is you sweet baby.
I will never forget his face pressed on my belly the first time he felt you move, how he ran from the room yelling for Aurora and Kasey and Daddy to come quick.
Oh the excitement of that night will never leave our home…
Mercy, Aridai misses you so much and he will never forget you, that’s what he asked mommy to tell you
He loves you so much that his whole heart is made bigger because he chose to see you as his sister from the moment he knew you existed, and he learned what it means to believe what you cannot see and to love what you could lose…
Aridai named you baby, and he was right. You were a gift of mercy to all of us…
We have all counted the cost of giving our whole hearts, and though the pain is deep to lose, the gain is greater to risk for…
Love is always worth choosing, life is always worth choosing, even if 90 minutes is all we got to hold you alive in our arms…
Daddy told mommy from the beginning all about how he knew you would be a girl since mommy craved lemon and was so nauseus…
He would climb beneath the covers and whisper prayers and tell you how much he loved you and how we all wanted you…
He would sing, and though it broke my mommy heart to pieces, it also brought me great joy to see him holding you and carrying you around our hospital room singing his last lullaby to his little girl’s heart…
Mercy, daddy gave everything for you
His whole heart saw you fully formed and made so many plans we cannot list them all.
Only daddy caught each one of mommy’s tears and knew how much it hurt to lose you
How sweetly we said yes to Jesus putting you together, out of the love He put inside of us…
Our hearts joined and you were the paint that sang songs on the canvas of our love…
Kasey knows secrets inside mommy I could hardly tell myself, she held me in my weakest place and sat silently when words were not good enough for how much this hurt us both…
We dreamed of snuggling you in front of the wood stove and it all being so worth it someday soon.
And now we choose to answer, it was so worth it, every single bit… you were so worth it all…
Noni was so strong when you came, helping mommy breathe when she didn’t know if she could.
Loving every part of your birth since you were her baby too…
You were all of ours… all together, we loved you and loved you better than we imagined we could…
It was a little over a month ago that you were born...
Every detail of that day stays with me...
As they laid you on my chest, your weight made me believe in the corner of my mind you might make it.
It was amazing watching your little chest rising and falling.
All I want is to feel your skin on mine again. Your body weighty on my chest. Your cheek pressed to my lips.
I long to see your heart beating slow tiny beats, one last time...
But as I As I lay here in the quiet of the living room with daddy I find I am overwhelmed with gratefulness for your life...
I got to be your mommy for 18 precious weeks, I got to hold you alive in my arms for 90 uncountable minutes, I get to know you are safe with your sisters and brothers in heaven...
I am excited to unpack the beauty of my baby as we walk thru the grief and the joy that having you gave us...
My children get to know they are important to you; they gave you life by loving you without reserve...
We get to have beautiful photos to cherish!
Our story may be painful but it is beautiful and I am just going to sit here and soak in this comfort.
Jesus is like a warm blanket to my heart...
I will not shrug off his love from my heart, I have no fight left to say it doesn't need his warmth...
All I feel is love, love made mercy, love fed you, love gave you life, love caused you to grow, love gave you a heartbeat, love made you perfectly formed...
Love has a name- his name is Jesus...
He loved me and gave me a little girl to love and cherish and I will not neglect to see the beauty of who you were to our family and miss out on your precious little gift to our hearts...
You gave us mercy to give to each other, knowing your frailty made us see our own and made us hold each other a little tighter and love a little harder and listen a little closer...
Thank you baby, you were a gift to mommy and daddy and Aridai and Aurora from the start and we are privileged u were lent to us as long as you were..
Oh mercy baby, I miss you more every day... It makes my heart long for home...
Thank you for giving me the gift of being known...
Thank you for giving me an ache for my eyes to see eternally
Oh my little love you snuggle deep inside of my heart, and I hold you there with me, carrying you in like I would out if you had stayed close to me...
You are a month old in heaven, I can picture you cooing and nuzzling closer to His chest...
May His breast satisfy you, as mine would have...
Oh you have tasted love up close and all these little shudderings inside of me just say I wish I knew what you now know...
I miss you like the ground missed the red sea when it parted above it
And I love you like the sand lets the waves claim it and pull it out into its depths...
I miss you like an empty teacup after the commune of the morning is past, leaving only an impatience for the next time...
I love you better than the rose loves its red...
I miss you like the cold a candle becomes after the fire is called away by a breath
I love you like a song loves to be sung in the dark when little ones are afraid without it
Sweet girl, you know my heartbeat better than most, you heard it up close inside...
Love, Mommy
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
November 11th- A weekend of remembering for mommy
Today the sadness sits inside like tepid, stagnant water...
A huge feeling looms above me, making it heavier than it has to be.
Two words, hanging in the air, with threatening undertones- ALONE ~ UNKNOWN
But its here in my sadness, my choices are set before me.
Will i choose to recall the truth, or shall i sit and make friends with this lie?
I take a deep breath, and oh how the truth it sings and echoes close to my inner ear.
Here it comes, stirring up these stagnant waters within, whispering in my barren places and caressing the emptiness of wounds that would threaten to leave a scar.
Oh my Love, you have known me deep, and known me well...
In all this barren, in all my falling, in all my rising.
When i am light, and especially when i am dark, Savior you know me...
And this is the kindest feeling, to be known...
Like warm water cascading over my curves, so you have known me Jesus and you have comforted my lonely ache like only you can.
After all, you have known that this would be the road i would have to walk and you have known the way to take me down it with the least amount of pain possible.
But you have been merciful enough to let me know pain, you knew i would need it to fully know love. The kind of love that lays its life down to preserve my life from the pain of death... You take the sting away...
You knew when my placenta was forming that it would never fully form properly.
And it was laying on that hospital bed discovering the hematoma existed that you came close and visited my inner most parts and spoke into my subconscious.
You spoke hope you didn't have to speak.
You gave me hope for my little girl to be rescued from the death dealer.
You lent me hope to see her come close to my heart, snuggled up in my arms.
You could have been so cruel, and told me like so many medical professionals did that she was going to die. After all, you knew this to be the dreadful sorrow i have known...
But instead, you knew me!
You knew i was frail and needed hope to hold onto in order to walk this road well...
Aridai often says to me, "Mercy is alive with Jesus"
Yes sweet boy, she has woken from this curse and gone away to the castle in the sky called eternity.
She has transcended time and space, and scaled clouds effortlessly.
She has tumbled into a lap where there is no unanswered questions, and there is no fear of being unknown or alone.
So today i am asking for some eternity to dip into my heart, naming me and claiming me.
Sweetly seduce me with Truth.
You have known me completely, comforting something buried deep deep down in this pain- the comfort that someone knew with no question that this would be my journey.
There was never any mystery within it to You.
You carved this path with kindness, so that i could walk it in my tenderness and sensitivity and not be shattered.
This is the kindness of a lover who does not need light to know my shape.
The lover who does not need me to tell Him what i need.
He does not need my eyes to ask to be known, He just is; He just does.
He is the lover that introduces me to myself, guiding me on a journey through the rooms within me and the caverns without...
And though i would tend to be afraid this be a heart that would be painful to know, He looks at me with those eyes and fills me down to my toes.
It brings him great pleasure to know me, the greatest pleasure he has known has been to know me.
And i find myself speechless, the breath knocked out of my chest as it sinks in deep.
How known will you give in to being?
May my ache be intercession for you, Hope does not ever dissapoint...
Keep Hoping...
Aurora Hadeshalyne- "The dawning of a new day"
The gift of my daughter aurora gives me hope for the future...
She is joy that has surprised me with its hope...
Today i sit and remember that day she was born and as she sits in my lap now, my little four year old lady, I speak the truth of her name as intercession over my womb...
Jesus you make all things new, i look with hope to the dawning of a new day...
A huge feeling looms above me, making it heavier than it has to be.
Two words, hanging in the air, with threatening undertones- ALONE ~ UNKNOWN
But its here in my sadness, my choices are set before me.
Will i choose to recall the truth, or shall i sit and make friends with this lie?
I take a deep breath, and oh how the truth it sings and echoes close to my inner ear.
Here it comes, stirring up these stagnant waters within, whispering in my barren places and caressing the emptiness of wounds that would threaten to leave a scar.
Oh my Love, you have known me deep, and known me well...
In all this barren, in all my falling, in all my rising.
When i am light, and especially when i am dark, Savior you know me...
And this is the kindest feeling, to be known...
Like warm water cascading over my curves, so you have known me Jesus and you have comforted my lonely ache like only you can.
After all, you have known that this would be the road i would have to walk and you have known the way to take me down it with the least amount of pain possible.
But you have been merciful enough to let me know pain, you knew i would need it to fully know love. The kind of love that lays its life down to preserve my life from the pain of death... You take the sting away...
You knew when my placenta was forming that it would never fully form properly.
And it was laying on that hospital bed discovering the hematoma existed that you came close and visited my inner most parts and spoke into my subconscious.
You spoke hope you didn't have to speak.
You gave me hope for my little girl to be rescued from the death dealer.
You lent me hope to see her come close to my heart, snuggled up in my arms.
You could have been so cruel, and told me like so many medical professionals did that she was going to die. After all, you knew this to be the dreadful sorrow i have known...
But instead, you knew me!
You knew i was frail and needed hope to hold onto in order to walk this road well...
Aridai often says to me, "Mercy is alive with Jesus"
Yes sweet boy, she has woken from this curse and gone away to the castle in the sky called eternity.
She has transcended time and space, and scaled clouds effortlessly.
She has tumbled into a lap where there is no unanswered questions, and there is no fear of being unknown or alone.
So today i am asking for some eternity to dip into my heart, naming me and claiming me.
Sweetly seduce me with Truth.
You have known me completely, comforting something buried deep deep down in this pain- the comfort that someone knew with no question that this would be my journey.
There was never any mystery within it to You.
You carved this path with kindness, so that i could walk it in my tenderness and sensitivity and not be shattered.
This is the kindness of a lover who does not need light to know my shape.
The lover who does not need me to tell Him what i need.
He does not need my eyes to ask to be known, He just is; He just does.
He is the lover that introduces me to myself, guiding me on a journey through the rooms within me and the caverns without...
And though i would tend to be afraid this be a heart that would be painful to know, He looks at me with those eyes and fills me down to my toes.
It brings him great pleasure to know me, the greatest pleasure he has known has been to know me.
And i find myself speechless, the breath knocked out of my chest as it sinks in deep.
How known will you give in to being?
May my ache be intercession for you, Hope does not ever dissapoint...
Keep Hoping...
The gift of my daughter aurora gives me hope for the future...
She is joy that has surprised me with its hope...
Today i sit and remember that day she was born and as she sits in my lap now, my little four year old lady, I speak the truth of her name as intercession over my womb...
Jesus you make all things new, i look with hope to the dawning of a new day...
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
November 22nd- Thanksgiving Day
The heaviness sinks deep deep down into the lowest parts of
me today and it drips like melted wax, covering over what I thought might
breathe today.
Oh how grief is so changing, one day it is light and kind with
warm memories to soothe its harsh tones…
Other days it swings at me like an ax, threatening to sever
my hearts tendrils that connect me with the rest of the world…Isolating me like an old cabin on a cold mountain...
Words are not as kind as i hope they might have been today, but i don't have the energy to hide my heart from those who would hurt me with words they just can't help but say... I just have to forgive them... Let it rise like sweet incense to You Lord...
I let my Kasey and my Micah hold me and grieve with me today... It is such a comfort to be loved and not alone in grief...
Today i am missing that large lump called my
baby in my belly in front of me, the maternity outfit i was planning on
wearing today... The kicks i am aching to feel... the fullness she gave my womb
Aurora says to me," mommy your belly is so small" Yes honey, u grieve with me... in your own little way...
Oh my mercy, i carry you every day within me, even tho
my belly is no longer big... You are in every single breath...
I miss
you today like Abraham missed Isaac when he thought he would have to
sacrifice him unto obedience.
And i love you today like Abraham did after God told him to lay his hands off the child... He could see that he
loved his God enough to say yes...
Honey baby, mommy chooses yes
today...
Though it slays me within... It also lets my joy sneak up and
surprise me with little whisperings of holding you, what seems like
years will only be as moments soon enough...
Soon enough my little love,
soon enough... i love you forever
Jesus is the kindest friend...
Psalm 73:28 "But as for me, the nearness of God is my good; I have made the Lord God my refuge, that i may tell of all Your works within me" (Italics added)
Friday, November 23, 2012
October 22 2012- One week after
My posts are not as organized as i would like them to be, they come out a little at a time from my journal, like i only give myself a little bit of permission at a time to let it out like this...
This is why i try to put dates with my entries so u can attempt to follow that way...
Eventually when the grief is not so thick, maybe ill organize it.. and yet maybe i wont try and clean up my grief, perhaps i will leave it where it lays, as i have been forced to do with my little girls remains... seeing as she no longer resides with them...
One week ago today my daughter mercy was born...
Every detail of that day stays with me...
As they laid her on my chest her weight made me believe in the corner of my mind she might make it. Her little chest rising and falling. I took a picture of her before her heart stopped fully...
This is that picture in my mind, where my little girl is only asleep to me, just resting after the hard work of labor... That's all...
For a few moments I allowed my mind to wander away with her before she left me, to that place u go with your child that only your child and you know, where u sit and breastfeed your baby, drawing them up close to your heart; keeping them warm...
But all my warmth just wasn't enough to keep her. Snuggling her in deep, breathing her scent; swearing to myself I would never forget this...
It is what I miss today...
Nursing is my favorite thing to do; my husband always says in the last weeks of pregnancy "only a few more weeks and you will finally be nursing our baby! Honey you can do it, it's gonna be so worth it."
Do I choose to say its worth it today? When I ache and know there is nothing for this pain... Ah yes, I can medicate myself, but thats not how you truly help this pain...
This pain I have to fully feel in order to fully release her. Or I might not give my heart the chance to try and love again... And I can't do that to my heart, it must live as fully as possible...
So she stays in me all day right now and there is nothing else besides loving my little family that takes residence in my thoughts...
So do I choose to say its worth it today...
Just look at her sweet face; she is so worth every bit of pain this produces in me...
I just miss my baby girl...
Right about now was when my labor started...
Here I come Lord, laboring to find some life to feed my heart...
I am so tired; I am so hurting; help me be a good mommy to my Aurora and Aridai today, help me love on my husband today, help me clean my house and remove some of the dark, please fill my home with light... I need it so badly today...
I won't make it without you Jesus... Come close and breathe life into my broken heart, breathe into my suffocating lungs that can't take so much sorrow in one day...
I am so grateful for mercy... All 6 1/2 ounces of her...
And the 90 minutes I got to have her outside of my belly; while her heart beat here...
Breathe Hannah; i tell myself; just breathe...
This tightening will subside someday... Just breathe thru it for now...
This is why i try to put dates with my entries so u can attempt to follow that way...
Eventually when the grief is not so thick, maybe ill organize it.. and yet maybe i wont try and clean up my grief, perhaps i will leave it where it lays, as i have been forced to do with my little girls remains... seeing as she no longer resides with them...
Every detail of that day stays with me...
As they laid her on my chest her weight made me believe in the corner of my mind she might make it. Her little chest rising and falling. I took a picture of her before her heart stopped fully...
This is that picture in my mind, where my little girl is only asleep to me, just resting after the hard work of labor... That's all...
For a few moments I allowed my mind to wander away with her before she left me, to that place u go with your child that only your child and you know, where u sit and breastfeed your baby, drawing them up close to your heart; keeping them warm...
But all my warmth just wasn't enough to keep her. Snuggling her in deep, breathing her scent; swearing to myself I would never forget this...
It is what I miss today...
Nursing is my favorite thing to do; my husband always says in the last weeks of pregnancy "only a few more weeks and you will finally be nursing our baby! Honey you can do it, it's gonna be so worth it."
Do I choose to say its worth it today? When I ache and know there is nothing for this pain... Ah yes, I can medicate myself, but thats not how you truly help this pain...
This pain I have to fully feel in order to fully release her. Or I might not give my heart the chance to try and love again... And I can't do that to my heart, it must live as fully as possible...
So she stays in me all day right now and there is nothing else besides loving my little family that takes residence in my thoughts...
So do I choose to say its worth it today...
Just look at her sweet face; she is so worth every bit of pain this produces in me...
I just miss my baby girl...
Right about now was when my labor started...
Here I come Lord, laboring to find some life to feed my heart...
I am so tired; I am so hurting; help me be a good mommy to my Aurora and Aridai today, help me love on my husband today, help me clean my house and remove some of the dark, please fill my home with light... I need it so badly today...
I won't make it without you Jesus... Come close and breathe life into my broken heart, breathe into my suffocating lungs that can't take so much sorrow in one day...
I am so grateful for mercy... All 6 1/2 ounces of her...
And the 90 minutes I got to have her outside of my belly; while her heart beat here...
Breathe Hannah; i tell myself; just breathe...
This tightening will subside someday... Just breathe thru it for now...
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Oh Love that you are to me My Micah...
"Joy in affliction is rooted in the hope of resurrection, but our experience of suffering also deepens the root of that hope" John Piper
"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weakness, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are- yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive MERCY and find grace to help us in our time of need." Hebrews 4:15-16
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
October 16th- Day After Mercy was born
"And the cup He brings, though it burns your lips,
has been fashioned of the clay
which the potter has moistened with His own sacred tears"
Kahlil Gibran
"The enemy pursues me, he crushes me to the ground; he makes me dwell in darkness like those long dead. So my spirit grows faint within me; my heart within me is dismayed" Psalm 143:3-4
Yet I am always with you, you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have i in heaven but you? And earth has nothing i desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is my strength of my heart and my portion forever" Psalm 73:23-26
Mommy's journal entry from October 16th- actually 17th cause its so late...
My heart is beating too hard, Is it just because of the difficulty of this pregnancy or can my heart literally not be right today, tomorrow or not at all too soon?
I am so tired tonight, but i cannot sleep. I close my eyes for a moment and the lids lay down and behind my peaceful look is a terrified mommy watching her daughter being wheeled away from her, never to be held close again.
I try to scream but nothing will come out from these lips... There is no mercy right now, it is not to be had... Or so it feels to me in this moment... Nothing feels merciful in this moment
I think if one more person says to me that Jesus had other plans for her, or that this was his purpose for her, i literally will try to hit them. If they believe this was Jesus' doing, i feel like they just must not know the same Jesus i do. He allowed it, He did not cause it. Go ahead and try to tell me something prophetic or utterly profound, seeking to save me from my sorrow. Your words are so empty to me, just like my womb. This hurt is so deep, nothing will fix it except He who knows me and He who made me... Leave your pity or your divine understanding of this grief unknown at some other site, my heart hasn't the space for it right now...
All i want is to feel her skin on mine again; her body weighty on my chest. Her cheek pressed to my lips, her heart beating slow tiny beats, one last time...
All i crave is her back in my belly, i want to lay down just like i do every night and put my hand around my belly as i sing and pray and whisper to her after daddy and her siblings are fast asleep...
I want to risk my heart again, and feel her kicking; telling me she loves me and she knows she is loved. I want to lay on the couch with Aridai's head against me, and watch him run into the kitchen shouting for aurora to come quick and feel mercy move with him... To watch them press their faces and hands to my belly and watch them excitedly running in circles around the living room telling Kasey and daddy excitedly how they felt baby mercy moving!
I don't want to watch my Aridai collapse into my chest as he realizes when we say mommy had the baby, it doesn't actually mean she survived here... she went to be with Jesus instead... I don't want to hear my little auroras confused questions tumble out of her precious heart...
The pain was more than our mommy and daddy hearts could bear to watch their faces rise in excitement to see mommy home and hear that she had the baby; and to watch their faces fall in utter devastation to hear their sister won't be coming home...
We gave the children bunnies from Mercy, she knew their arms would want to hold something and since she wouldn't be coming home she wanted them to have something to hold when their arms hurt from wanting their sister close... I got a little sculpture for daddy of a wife and husband comforting one another and he started to cry... Aurora rushed to his side and put her head on his head and her hands on his face and motioned for mommy and Aridai and Kasey to come close and pray with her for daddy's sadness and for Jesus to give back baby Mercy. But Aridai has been alive long enough to shake his little head at her and look sadly across at mommy because he knows that is not going to happen... She is gone, until we get to eternity; this is how far we are from her for now. He just prays for Jesus to come close to mommy and daddy as they are hurting and Jesus, when you give us another baby, because you will; please, let our next baby live please. And help Mommy's body to get healthy again. And Jesus, we are so grateful you let us have her as long as you did; that i got to feel her move and hear her heart beating... Amen
I completely lost it inside when i saw my sweet little boy pray for his mommy to be well and express gratefulness for his sister and that he had the wherewithal to look to the future for mommy and daddy to conceive life again... I can hardly stand to see the love in my little family, it knocks the breath out of me...
The sun will be up soon, i will try to rest and write more later...
has been fashioned of the clay
which the potter has moistened with His own sacred tears"
Kahlil Gibran
"The enemy pursues me, he crushes me to the ground; he makes me dwell in darkness like those long dead. So my spirit grows faint within me; my heart within me is dismayed" Psalm 143:3-4
Yet I am always with you, you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have i in heaven but you? And earth has nothing i desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is my strength of my heart and my portion forever" Psalm 73:23-26
Mommy's journal entry from October 16th- actually 17th cause its so late...
My heart is beating too hard, Is it just because of the difficulty of this pregnancy or can my heart literally not be right today, tomorrow or not at all too soon?
I am so tired tonight, but i cannot sleep. I close my eyes for a moment and the lids lay down and behind my peaceful look is a terrified mommy watching her daughter being wheeled away from her, never to be held close again.
I try to scream but nothing will come out from these lips... There is no mercy right now, it is not to be had... Or so it feels to me in this moment... Nothing feels merciful in this moment
I think if one more person says to me that Jesus had other plans for her, or that this was his purpose for her, i literally will try to hit them. If they believe this was Jesus' doing, i feel like they just must not know the same Jesus i do. He allowed it, He did not cause it. Go ahead and try to tell me something prophetic or utterly profound, seeking to save me from my sorrow. Your words are so empty to me, just like my womb. This hurt is so deep, nothing will fix it except He who knows me and He who made me... Leave your pity or your divine understanding of this grief unknown at some other site, my heart hasn't the space for it right now...
All i want is to feel her skin on mine again; her body weighty on my chest. Her cheek pressed to my lips, her heart beating slow tiny beats, one last time...
All i crave is her back in my belly, i want to lay down just like i do every night and put my hand around my belly as i sing and pray and whisper to her after daddy and her siblings are fast asleep...
I want to risk my heart again, and feel her kicking; telling me she loves me and she knows she is loved. I want to lay on the couch with Aridai's head against me, and watch him run into the kitchen shouting for aurora to come quick and feel mercy move with him... To watch them press their faces and hands to my belly and watch them excitedly running in circles around the living room telling Kasey and daddy excitedly how they felt baby mercy moving!
I don't want to watch my Aridai collapse into my chest as he realizes when we say mommy had the baby, it doesn't actually mean she survived here... she went to be with Jesus instead... I don't want to hear my little auroras confused questions tumble out of her precious heart...
The pain was more than our mommy and daddy hearts could bear to watch their faces rise in excitement to see mommy home and hear that she had the baby; and to watch their faces fall in utter devastation to hear their sister won't be coming home...
We gave the children bunnies from Mercy, she knew their arms would want to hold something and since she wouldn't be coming home she wanted them to have something to hold when their arms hurt from wanting their sister close... I got a little sculpture for daddy of a wife and husband comforting one another and he started to cry... Aurora rushed to his side and put her head on his head and her hands on his face and motioned for mommy and Aridai and Kasey to come close and pray with her for daddy's sadness and for Jesus to give back baby Mercy. But Aridai has been alive long enough to shake his little head at her and look sadly across at mommy because he knows that is not going to happen... She is gone, until we get to eternity; this is how far we are from her for now. He just prays for Jesus to come close to mommy and daddy as they are hurting and Jesus, when you give us another baby, because you will; please, let our next baby live please. And help Mommy's body to get healthy again. And Jesus, we are so grateful you let us have her as long as you did; that i got to feel her move and hear her heart beating... Amen
I completely lost it inside when i saw my sweet little boy pray for his mommy to be well and express gratefulness for his sister and that he had the wherewithal to look to the future for mommy and daddy to conceive life again... I can hardly stand to see the love in my little family, it knocks the breath out of me...
The sun will be up soon, i will try to rest and write more later...
Our sweet little lady
Mercy Aderyne
October 15, 2012
6 1/2 oz
8 inches long
We will carry you long beyond the empty cradle...
Every single heartbeat within your 90 minutes here was so
precious...
We will always be grateful for your sweet life, short tho it
was...
“that we got to have you as long as we did”
We love you Mercy baby-
Daddy, Mommy, Aridai, Åurora
Psalm 34:18
"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit"
Even those places so deep down that hurt so deeply i cant find it within me to fully see or know them, it is here i find i am known... He see it all... He has known it all... I am not alone, I am not unknown. I am known... He knows even the secrets I have yet to discover within myself...
This song sings inside of me-
"Known"
Audrey Assad
As the dew falls on the blade
You have touched all this fragile frame
And as a mother knows her baby's face
You know me, You know me
As the summer air within my chest
I have breathed You deep down into my breast
And as You know the hairs upon my head
Every thought and every word I've said
Every thought and every word I've said
Savior, You have known me as I am
Healer, You have known me as I was
As I will be in the morning, in the evening
You have known me, yeah, You know me
Oh, and as the exhilaration of autumn's bite
Oh, You have brought these tired bones to brilliant life
And as the swallow knows, she knows the sky
This is how it is with You and I
Oh, this is how it is with You and I
Savior, You have known me as I am
Healer, You have known me as I was
As I will be in the morning, in the evening
You have known me, yeah, You know me
From the fall of my heart to the resurrection of my soul
You know me, God, and You know my ways
In my rising and my sitting down
You see me as I am, oh, see me as I am
And as a lover knows his beloved's heart
All the shapes and curves of her even in the dark
Oh, You have formed one in my inward parts
And You know me, You know me, yes
Savior, You, You have known me as I am
Oh, healer, You have known me as I was
As I will be in the morning, in the evening
You have known
You have known me, in the morning, in the evening
You've known me, God
In the morning, in the evening You have known me
Yeah, You've know me
You have always known me
You know me, God, You have known me
You have always known my heart
You have touched all this fragile frame
And as a mother knows her baby's face
You know me, You know me
As the summer air within my chest
I have breathed You deep down into my breast
And as You know the hairs upon my head
Every thought and every word I've said
Every thought and every word I've said
Savior, You have known me as I am
Healer, You have known me as I was
As I will be in the morning, in the evening
You have known me, yeah, You know me
Oh, and as the exhilaration of autumn's bite
Oh, You have brought these tired bones to brilliant life
And as the swallow knows, she knows the sky
This is how it is with You and I
Oh, this is how it is with You and I
Savior, You have known me as I am
Healer, You have known me as I was
As I will be in the morning, in the evening
You have known me, yeah, You know me
From the fall of my heart to the resurrection of my soul
You know me, God, and You know my ways
In my rising and my sitting down
You see me as I am, oh, see me as I am
And as a lover knows his beloved's heart
All the shapes and curves of her even in the dark
Oh, You have formed one in my inward parts
And You know me, You know me, yes
Savior, You, You have known me as I am
Oh, healer, You have known me as I was
As I will be in the morning, in the evening
You have known
You have known me, in the morning, in the evening
You've known me, God
In the morning, in the evening You have known me
Yeah, You've know me
You have always known me
You know me, God, You have known me
You have always known my heart
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